Things To Negotiate Before Getting Kinky In Bed

Apprehension to certain kinks is natural, but once you get past that point it doesn't mean others have quite yet. Surprises in the bedroom aren't always good, you know what we're saying? So, when you're trying to get kinky in bed with a new partner, there are definitely some negotiation techniques to consider. Thanks to a new article over on xoJane, we can share some of these tips as well as our own insights into talking about the things to negotiate before getting kinky in bed.What are you favorite kinks? How have you negotiated these kinks into your own sex life before? Let us know in the comments section below.

Community. Journalist Anabelle Bernard Fournier describes herself as a "lifelong writer and thinker and future psychologist." These characteristics of her personality and mind led her to a community of kinky people, which intrigued her to no end. She had a ton of questions about the community and how getting kinky with people comes about. Is it just a non-verbal agreement - or maybe the exact opposite?

Negotiation. According to Anabelle's experience and research, negotiation is key in the kink community. Whether you're just trying to join up with these people or even trying to take someone home with you, you're going to be negotiating in order to get kinky in your bedroom. The more experienced negotiators have an innate talent for it, but there are skills you can learn to ensure for solid negotiation.

Goal. What's your goal in getting into kinky stuff? Is it more for enjoyment or fun? We're sure it is, but there might be more to it than that. Sometimes, there's a chance you're trying these things out in order to "process an emotional experience," according to Fournier. Sometimes it's to release stress or anxiety, and sometimes we reenact a form of trauma in order to move on from it.

Intent. With all of that in mind, the first real negotiation you have to make is with yourself. What are your intentions with this sexual exploration? Are you hoping to learn something about yourself? Whatever it is, understanding your intent is very important in sexual communication. It leads to more fluid experiences.

Limit. When it comes to sex, especially the more kinky kinds of sex, limits are the most important part of the negotiation process. As Anabelle learned from her kink community, there are two kinds of limits when it comes to kinky sex: hard and soft. As you can imagine, a hard limit is something that you will absolutely not do. A soft limit is something you'd consider experiencing, but have the option to make it a hard limit.

Hard and soft. Both of these limits can be scary to people, but those that still want to experience them consider them to be soft actions. Some people don't want to draw blood while others crave it. Others don't want too much pain in spanking kinks, while others are hoping to be limping for weeks later. It's a big party bag of limits and experimentation. Whatever your limits are, make sure they're established.

References. The kink community and negotiating your own experience is like a job interview. With that in mind, references are a great bet to positively influence the interviewer's view of you. References are, of course, others that have had kinky activities with this person. Sometimes they don't have references, which might just mean they're new to the crowd. Just be cautious about people without references.

Emotions. While you might consider kinky play as an exclusively physical activity, there's plenty of emotion involved in some forms of kink. Basically, if something triggers someone emotionally, all of the fun is out the window and the play is basically wrecked. Anabelle explained that her father's suicide by hanging could possibly trigger an emotional response from her during breath play.

Triggers. We're sure you don't want this to happen to you, so be very aware of your partner's triggers as well. Informing and asking them about emotional triggers could save a lot of grief and awkwardness later on. It could be a simple word that triggers you or them, so make sure everyone's on the same page.

Injuries. Your health is quite relevant to kink scenes and play. Even minor injuries could affect what happens during the kinky play. As an example, if you're using ropes, the kink play could aggravate a skin condition or maybe an injury to one of your limbs. If you think it might become an issue, bring it up and make sure it's known.

Contact. In a kink scene, sexual contact is actually kind of rare. But we're talking about your own bedroom, so we're imagining you're interested in what the kinky sex is actually like after all of these negotiation steps. Just make sure that sex is agreed upon before actually going for it. This should be common sense, by the way.

Sex. While kinky sex needs boundaries, "normal" sex does too. Understand what you want to say "yes" to and what you'd say "no" too during consensual sex. Now mix in the kinky sex you're about to have and you're sure to have a recipe for some fun. Safe, kinky fun!

Safewords. You've heard of safewords before, most likely, but we must emphasize how important they are. This is the key to ending whatever is going on. If you're taking part in some gagging, make sure that there is a non-verbal safeword in place so that your partner knows when to stop.

Afterwards. What do you want to happen after you've completed your kinky activities? Are you a going to cuddle after something so kinky? Do you need sustenance? Do you want to be left alone? Make sure you understand what you want to happen afterwards before you even get started. This is an important part of the negotiation.

You. Negotiating sex might sound kind of mood-killing, but we hope that this information allowed you to understand why it's so important. Are you a good negotiator when it comes to kinky sex? Let us know what you think of all of this in the comments section below.