What does sex have to do with sport?

What does sex have to do with sport? Well, sport is very sexy, obviously. Sport is one of the sexiest things on the planet. A close friend asked me recently: “What would you prefer – a great Stormers try or an orgasm?” Now, I love an orgasm as much as the next puppy, but it took me only seconds to choose a great Stormers try. The only problem is the Stormers are scoring so few tries these days, so I lose out!

All of which is just to inject a little humour into what is actually a serious and vexed question (and humour is often the best balm for any kind of pain). The issue of sexual identity among sportsmen and sportswomen was all over the media again last week when NBA player Jason Collins announced that he was gay. It was gratifying to see all the support for Collins, and, political opportunism aside, I was especially impressed that Team Obama-Clinton personally telephoned Collins to offer him their congratulations and encouragement.

Of course there was extreme discomfort, even anger, including shockers like “With all the beautiful women in America, why does Collins go for men?” Religion inevitably had to be dragged in, and so homosexuals like Collins were pitied and condemned as “sinners.”

Back we go to the question: What does sex have to do with sport? More specifically, what does sexual preference have to do with whether you can stroke a cover drive, smash a cross-court volley, read a putt or offload in the tackle? When is it going to become irrelevant how many gay players Chelsea or the Knicks have? I guess the easiest answer to a complicated question is that sexual orientation in sport will only become irrelevant when sport lets go of its fear and prejudice.

Fear and prejudice are at the heart of discrimination against gay people, just as they are at the heart of racial or religious discrimination. And all of us have to work at our various fears and prejudices every day. To paraphrase what a colleague of mine once said to me: “All people are racist and sexist, it’s just the degree that differs.”

The problem with sport, unfortunately, is that it is inherently conservative and prescriptive, hence the reluctance among gay sportspeople to speak out. South African sport is particularly blighted by conservatism. Women in South African sport seem to find it much easier than men to come out. (And our president at one time saying he would “knock gay men out” didn’t exactly help matters). Are we seriously to believe that there are no gay men in our Super Rugby teams, our cricket franchises, our PSL teams, our swimming teams? Get real all u bitches, as Riri would say.

As a straight man, I have had my own tiny brush with homophobia. It has equally amused, saddened and perplexed me how many people have just assumed I am gay because I wear my hair in a ponytail. Or because I hug men. And let’s not even mention those pink shirts! And I am a lucky guy, because I work in a supposedly enlightened enviornment in a supposedly enlightened town. I can just imagine what it must be like to deal with whispers and innuendo and prejudice in the locker rooms of sport.

The most dispiriting thing about it all is that here we are in 2013, and yet the day the closet door swings open still seems many moons away. Just sign up with the program and accept it is okay to be gay in sports. Ditto heterosexual, bisexual, asexual, or celibate. And before we know it, no one will care any more if the quarterback is kissing the pitcher.

w Ian Smit is the sports editor of the Cape Times and a former rugby writer of the paper.

50 Shades South African style

28 year-old sex coach Jade Zwane holds her latest book aDICKted at her home in Parkhurst. Picture:Paballo Thekiso

Johannesburg - Move over EL James, South Africa has its own erotic writer.

Jade Zwane, 28, the author of new erotic novel, aDICKted, believes it will build on the success of the 50 Shades Of Grey trilogy which has sold more than 580 000 copies in SA and is still in demand.

 

Dedicated to the penis of Zwane’s former lover and the present, but often dormant, words of a repressed sexual being within a woman, aDICKted is a raunchy fictitious account of a 20-year-old woman’s sexual experiences with various lovers. She seeks not love but sexual gratification.

The book should be on the shelves later this month.

“For far too long, women have been repressed and the time has come for them to know they need not shy away from sexual issues, but have the power to be the best they can be,” said Zwane.

But why a career in assisting people with their sexual fantasies?

Zwane said her parents had dished out a guide to Sex 101. It was nothing but straight talk about puberty, dangers of sexually transmitted diseases and abortion.

This broadened her knowledge of sex, but left her with no inclination to experiment. This is the reason she only had her first sexual encounter at age 23.

After tasting the forbidden fruit, Zwane’s desire for sex grew into a passion. She put all her experiences in a journal.

Her first stint was a series of radio interviews on sex therapy, and later

, during dinner with a friend, aDICKted was born.

“It was the year before 50 Shades of Grey came about. I took my book to five local publishers and they flatly declined it. So I self published and sold 500 copies.”

She was saved by 50 Shades which helped open the eyes of the local printing industry.

Zwane’s day as sex coach comprises igniting the bedroom flame for married couples and helping paralysed and injured people revive their sexual lifestyles.

But more controversial is a line on Zwane’s Twitter account which has left some feeling hot and bothered.

She describes herself as a woman, author, a sex educator and finishes off by saying: “God is an orgasm.”

She, however, explains her intentions have never been to be rude.

“I had my first full body orgasm by myself. This is when I uttered these words. We all believe in the power of something and a higher being and that’s what I think God is,” she said.

Zwane’s second book titled In-Confessions will also be available at book stores this month. It’s based on a series of interviews with different women.

Marlene Wasserman, better known as Dr Eve, said the misconceptions that still existed about sex in the 21st century were that women never want sex while men want it all the time.

Owing to the popularity of 50 Shades Of Grey, Wasserman said local women now had permission to talk about their sexuality, fantasies and expressed dissatisfaction with the rather “vapid” coitus relationships they were having.

“It was wonderful clinically as women who had self diagnosed themselves as having desire disorder removed that label, as they became engorged and aroused and interested in sex reading these books.

Lola Montez’s Sharon Gordon said when 50 Shades Of Grey hit book stores it had a huge impact on her business.

“We tripled in sales. December was lucrative. However in January (this year) there was backlash of some sort. Yes, it wasn’t the most fantastically written book but it sure hauled many out of their comfort zones,” she said.

Gordon joked that if a low libido was classified as a disease, the world would have a pandemic due to the stresses faced by couples all over the world.

“Financially, we are all not sound. But as pleasure domes we have gotten to a point where we no longer want people to view us as just another sex toy store but relationship engineers and a necessity. Yes, they are just sex toys but they make life in the bedroom slightly easy,” she said. - Saturday Star

China ponders sex with intimate new survey

Berlin - China is relaxing strict taboos to conduct its first nationwide female sex survey, asking intimate questions about women's sex lives.

The 2004 China Female Sex Survey is being organised by the Chinese Institute of Sexology and the Chinese Medical Association via the popular Internet site Sina.com, Xinhua news agency said on Tuesday.

Women aged 21 and over can log on to the site to respond to 34 questions such as; "How often do you have sex per month and how many times to you expect to have sex in a month?", "Do you get pleasure in sex?" and "Have you ever had extramarital affairs?".

"The aim of the survey is to find out the status of Chinese women's sex life, analyse their sexual behaviour and psychology and provide sexual knowledge and advice," Ma Xiaonian, a sexology expert with the institute, was quoted as saying by Xinhua.

Ma conducted a smaller survey a decade ago and concluded that 50 percent of Chinese women did not experience orgasm during sex, it said.

Uncut

The Penis Monologues, starring Clinton Marius, returns to the Durban stage for a season of late night shows at the Catalina Theatre on Wilson's Wharf from Friday, December 12. Performances will run from Wednesdays to Saturdays at 10.30pm, and on Sundays at 8.30pm. Tickets are R50. To book call 031 305 6889.

Tonight has six double tickets to give away to the show. Simply call 031 201 3739 tomorrow between 11 and 11.15am and name the cocktail bar at Wilson's Wharf where pre-show cocktails - from Multiple Orgasm to Sublime Fantasy, Sex on the Beach and Slow Comfortable Screw can be enjoyed.

Leave answer, name and number on the voice mail if number is engaged. Now streamlined as a 70-minute entertainment showcase, Uncut - The Penis Monologues offers a frank and humourous look at male sexuality and the differences between men and women.

Its script, based on an idea by actor-writer Clinton Marius, includes monologues commissioned from a number of high-profile Durban writers, and has been co-written and workshopped by Marius and director Garth Anderson. - Tonight Reporter

Six ways to make sex better for women

Washington - When the Food and Drug Administration approved the drug Addyi (also known as flibanserin or “female Viagra”) in August, the drug's supporters framed it as a feminist victory.

 

Addyi was never going to be as revolutionary as the oral contraceptive pill, but perhaps it had potential to even the sexual score: No longer did men have a monopoly on pharmaceutical sexual aids. Now women, too, had a sexual booster to call their own.

But the gloss has worn off quickly. For one, the drug's effectiveness is being questioned: Women who took Addyi reported an average of 0.5 to 1 more satisfying sexual encounters each month than women who took a placebo pill. Then there was the question of whether the condition Addyi was designed to treat - hypoactive sexual desire disorder - was really a disease, or an ailment created to prime the market for a new drug.

 

It seems the market isn't buying in. In November, Bloomberg News reported that in Addyi's first month on sale, only 227 prescriptions were filled - compared with more than half a million when Viagra was released in 1998.

 

Addyi was probably always designed more for profit than for pleasure. But in a world in which women still experience less sexual satisfaction than men do - especially in heterosexual encounters, and even more so if they're single - it's worth asking: What would revolutionise women's sex lives?

 

I asked six experts on female sexuality what they would do enhance women's sexual satisfaction. Their answers may surprise you. And there isn't a pill among them.

 

Overhauling sex education

“When sex is discussed in schools, it's typically talked about in terms of what could go wrong - disease, emotional consequences and unwanted pregnancy,” sexuality educator Beverley Damelin says. “But we also need to talk about what's good about sex - about what it can and should be.”

 

A consequence of this approach, she says, is that a lot of young people don't understand that sex should be pleasurable for women. “There's an expectation of pain and discomfort, that sex is something they give but don't get.” A more pleasure-centred sex education would cover not just pregnancy, intercourse and STDs, but also sexual response, consent and non-penetrative sex acts.

 

Better medical training

According to Emily Nagoski, a doctor and author of Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life, the average four-year medical education in North America includes just three to 10 hours of sex education. Taking sexuality more seriously would make general practitioners better able to deal with their patients' sexual health issues - and less inclined to diagnose disease where there is just normal human variation. “Would a doctor ever tell a man, 'Oh, that pain in your penis, it's all in your head'?” Nagoski said. “Doctors need to know that sex is not a drive; that orgasm without intercourse is the exception, not the rule, and that genitals are healthy and normal, no matter what their shape, as long as they are free of pain and infection.”

 

Getting to know your clitoris

The clitoris is more than just the fleshy button at the top of your vulva, explains Rebecca Chalker, a doctor and author of “The Clitoral Truth: The Secret World At Your Fingertips.” It's a powerful and multifaceted organ composed of 18 parts, beneath the skin's surface, that undergo changes during sexual response to create pleasure and orgasm.

 

“Knowing how the parts of the clitoris are arranged and work together can help us understand what happens during sexual response, or what isn't happening,” Chalker says, would give women much more power and control over their sexual pleasure.

 

De-emphasising orgasm

 

Orgasms are great, but taking the focus off climax can open up new possibilities for pleasure. “Often we see sex as a goal-oriented experience,” says Dawn Serra, a sex and relationships coach. “If women don't experience orgasm or if an orgasm takes longer than expected, often they think there is something wrong with them.” Instead of keeping our eye on the finish line, Serra suggests focusing on what is pleasurable in the moment: sexual thoughts, pleasing your partner, genital touch, non-genital touch or erogenous zones, breathing and orgasm.

 

Freezing your eggs

 

“I am currently working with at least eight women in their early 30s who feel like time is ticking for them and cannot focus on the process of enjoying dating or choosing not to date because all roads need to lead to finding your 'unicorn,'“ says Constance Quinn, a doctor, sex therapist and social work professor at Columbia University. Taking that pressure off - for instance, via more comprehensive health-care plans that allow women to freeze their eggs if they choose - would allow more women to enjoy relationships for what they are, rather than worrying about whether they have a future.

“Dating opportunities can include the search for 'The One' but also perhaps younger men for hookups and hang-outs, experiments with friends with benefits, and other guys that don't quite check all the boxes but are great in bed,” Quinn says. “You have the eggs as security and you don't have to live like you are searching for the Holy Grail every night of the week, which is exhausting and confidence-shattering. Go have great sex and feel like a million bucks.”

 

Feminism

 

You've read the studies showing that couples with egalitarian relationships have more and better sex. But gender roles aren't just about what we do, they're also about who we're allowed to be.

 

“Women are taught that it is our responsibility to change, adjust, or shrink in order to meet expectations, make other people feel comfortable, and protect our relationships,” says Lindsay Jernigan, a psychologist in Vermont. “The female gender role has typically given women two options: the option to be selfless, and therefore good, kind and compassionate; or the option to be selfish, and therefore demanding, pushy and non-compassionate.”

This dichotomy can make it difficult for women to acknowledge their true needs, which when it comes to sex, Jernigan says, can lead to “a loss of ... freedom and desire.” Jernigan's work is designed to help women discover “the alternative to these narrow options” - slaying narrow gender roles to show that you can be compassionate and assertive at the same time. Which sounds an awful lot like feminism to me.

 

Washington Post

 

* Rachel Hills is the author of The Sex Myth: The Gap Between Our Fantasies and Reality.

Beware that romantic candlelight dinner

If you're one of the thousands of men who think candlelit dinners are the perfect tonic for an evening of passion, think again. Janine Hogan, spokesperson for the company which last week launched the new female libido booster, Ellya, says men will be surprised at what affects their partners.

 

"Something as simple as a romantic candlelit dinner could be a total turnoff simply because a woman's body can react negatively to a flickering candle."

 

Findings like this, which question current sexual knowledge, were made in the research behind the new all-natural pill.

 

For bedroom explorers hoping to find the G-spot, there is bad news. The expression on your partner's face while you fumble to find her most erogenous zone might not be one of pleasure. The research shows that while some find it erotic, others experience pain or an overwhelming urge to use the loo. Some women don't feel anything at all.

 

Researchers in Britain and the US thoroughly tested more than 3 000 men and women and discovered that while younger women are more likely to have sexual problems than older women, 43% of females had significant arousal and orgasm problems, compared with 31% of males.

The US research shows that unmarried women are 1,5 times more likely to have sexual problems involving orgasms and desire than married women. This could be attributed to their higher "partner turnover rate".

 

Professor Alan Riley, a UK professor of sexual medicine, has found that 30% of women, mostly in their 30s and 50s, have no sex drive at all.

 

Diminished desire affects nearly 80% of women at sex therapy clinics in the UK. Symptoms include loss of sexual spark, little desire to initiate sex and aversion to sexual overtures.

But what are the root causes? Stressful city life and fatigue are common causes among today's women, and a careful look at work routine and lifestyle is essential. Many professional women now have more responsibilities, which can lead to anxiety and the use of antidepressants, all of which places serious strain on normal sexual behaviour.

Women who have lost self-confidence or self-esteem, or suffer from depression, might be unable to reach orgasm because of psychological blocks just before orgasm is about to reached.

 

This can largely be attributed to the fear of losing control. For male partners this requires a greater sense of awareness. More time spent nurturing the relationship outside the bedroom could lead to more fruitful sex.

No definite answers can be given to the question of what turns women on, but scientists agree on a few basic principles.

 

Positive influencing of the female psyche is vital. Men should communicate more and relieve some of the woman's insecurities. Anatomical knowledge is also important. Don't forget that it's her body, so don't treat it like a newly discovered country road and roar ahead without her directions.

 

Living out your partner's fantasies goes a long way towards building trust and intimacy. Sharing different love-making techniques is an enjoyable journey for both parties as well as a trust builder. Exercise together or on your own to help the circulation and get those "happy hormones", endorphins, pumping.

 

Phyto-hormone-rich foods, which are sources of naturally occurring oestrogen, progesterone and testosterone, also help. Oriental women are less susceptible to sexual dysfunction because of their diet.

 

Scottish clinical psychologist Dr Frances Quirk studied women in six countries and found that half experienced a lack of interest in sex. Quirk reckons that current knowledge of female sexuality is only the tip of the iceberg.

Meet the perfect girlfriend

A Canadian inventor has built his own robot girlfriend.

 

Inventor Le Trung claims he invented the "fem-bot" - named Aiko - because he never had the time to find himself a real girlfriend.

 

Trung said: "Aiko is what happens when science meets beauty. I want to make her look, feel and act as human as possible. So far she can understand and speak 13 000 different sentences in English and Japanese, she's already fairly intelligent.

 

"Aiko recognise faces and says hello when my family visit. She helps me pick what to have for dinner and knows the drinks I like.

 

"She is patient and never complains. She doesn't need holidays, food or rest and will work almost 24-hours a day. "

Trung also admitted Aiko - Japanese for 'love child' - can be tweaked to simulate her having an orgasm.

 

 

Sex makes you smarter

 

Berlin - Sex stimulates the brain and makes people more intelligent, claims a top German researcher.

 

Werner Habermehl, from the Hamburg Medical Research Institute, says that regular sexual intercourse promotes intelligence.

 

He said that love making not only excited the body but also the brain.

 

The increased amounts of adrenaline and cortisol hormones that are produced during the sex act stimulate the grey matter, reported the magazine Unicum Campus.

 

"Sex makes you more intelligent in that experiences are collected that can be used later on in areas of your life not linked to sex," said Habermehl.

He said the added injection of endorphins and serotonin that resulted from an orgasm strengthened self-confidence.

In this way the body was given a mental as well as a physical workout.