When most people hear the term “sex addiction,” an image of a wild-eyed Charlie Sheen pops into their head. This couldn’t be further from the truth. Sex addiction has been the subject of much fascination in the public, but it’s also been the subject of much disinformation. Recently at Elephant Journal, a writer shared what she learned from dating a sex addict, and how that experience taught her new ways to be close with another person. Read more below.
Divorced and Dating The author of the article, Lisa Foreman, was 46 years old and divorced. She immediately lamented on details of dating, after being out of the game so long. Particularly in the age of text- and Internet-based flirting.
Patrick She describes meeting a man named Patrick on Facebook who was charming and who appreciated her intellect and conversational skills. He quickly shared that he was a sex addict.
The Look Patrick, she writes, didn’t look like a sex addict. However, this merely highlights the fact that there’s no “look” to a sex addict. Addicts, be it sex, drugs, or food, come in all shapes and sizes.
Conversation While she expected nude pics or dirty talk form her suitors, she found that months passed of conversation with Patrick, that was focused on things like feelings, hopes, and dreams, rather than sex.
Definition Upon learning Patrick’s truth, she found that sex addiction is an intimacy disorder. Orgasm and sex is not the high that is being chased, but rather intimacy.
Intimacy Because of this, so much of the recovery therapy for sex addicts is focused on helping the afflicted better understand issues of intimacy, as well as intimacy skills and honesty.
Lesson One The writer says she learned to be comfortable with her emotions surrounding her relationships. She used to fear people would leave her if she wasn’t always happy and positive.
Being True She also writes that she’d once hid her intelligence and “boisterousness” to keep others comfortable around her. Getting over this was a struggle, and still is.
Five Areas In dating Patrick and learning more about issues of intimacy, she acquired a great deal of knowledge, much of which stemmed from what he’d learned in recovery. In particular, they identified five areas of intimacy development that don’t include sex.
Check Ins One of the first emotional intimacy techniques she learned in the process of dating a sex addict were so-called “check ins.”
Emotional Update Check ins are essentially emotional updates. We sometimes neglect to share our feelings in fear that we’ll be rejected if people don’t like them. Saying “I’m feeling a little bit sad about work but happy about school and a slight for no particular reason,” would be an example. It’s not tailored for anyone, just honest.
Sharing Sharing books, ideas, philosophies, or any kind of art is good for a couple. When they bond over one of these things, it can incite intellectual intimacy, or what the author calls “grin and nod mode.”
Meditation She learned couples meditation, which often involved long bouts of eye contact. This taught her to get more comfortable with eye contact, which is a form of intimacy.
Spiritual Intimacy The third area that the writer learned in her relationship with a sex addict was spiritual intimacy, often through mutual meditation. Certain spiritual practices are universal, or not faith-specific.
Play Learning to be playful, like children, was another area of intimacy that she leaned to work on with her formerly addicted partner. It taught her to let go and be comfortable with a person.
Kissing She calls kissing "the most important and underrated of all touch.” She urges the reader to remember what it was like to “make out as a teenager."
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