A new study suggests that women who think their partner expects this thing between the sheets may have so much performance anxiety that they don’t even get turned on during sex. ! Find out more about the study’s surprising findings below.
Perfectionist standards. Published in March 2016, an in-depth study from the University of Kent made a surprising discovery: Females who think their sexual partners are imposing perfectionist standards on them are more likely to end up experiencing sexual dysfunction. In other words, when partners demand perfection, sex suffers. Ouch.
Defining “perfectionism.” Led by Professor Joachim Stoeber at the University’s School Psychology, the study defined perfectionism as a "striving for flawlessness and the setting of exceedingly high standards for performance, accompanied by tendencies for overly critical self-evaluations and concerns about negative evaluations by others.” According to the University of Kent’s official website, the trait is a “common personality characteristic that may affect all domains of life.” However, the long-term effects of how it impacts people’s time in the sack has previously not been looked into — until now, that is.
The study. In the study, researchers surveyed more than 366 women under the age of 30 twice, from December 2013 to February 2014. The volunteers were told that the online survey was investigating whether “personal and interpersonal expectations and beliefs affect one’s sexuality and sexual function.” Confused? OK, let’s try again: Researchers told the women they were looking into whether their expectations and beliefs about sex or others’ beliefs and expectations could affect or morph sexuality and sexual function. Got it? Good.
The study. After, researchers took the women’s responses and categorized them into four types of sexual perfectionism: self-oriented, partner-oriented, partner-prescribed and socially prescribed. Now let’s break these down. Self-oriented perfectionism are the perfectionist standards you put on yourself, while partner-oriented perfectionism are the standards your partner puts on himself or herself. Partner-prescribed perfectionism are the standards you feel that your significant other puts on you. Last, socially prescribed perfectionism are the standards you receive from society.
Findings. The researchers found that partner-prescribed perfectionism led to women having a negative sexual self-concept and sexual dysfunction, meaning they thought they were bad in bed and couldn’t get turned on. What’s more, partner-prescribed perfectionism predicted overall decreases in function regarding their ability to get aroused. Yikes!
Findings. But wait! There’s more: Researchers further discovered that partner-prescribed perfectionism decreased women’s self-esteem in the sack and increased their sexual anxiety. Essentially, what this means is that having a partner who thinks sex should a certain way is really, really bad for women — in more ways than one. Horrible, we know.
Findings. "It is possible that believing that one's sexual partner expects sex to be perfect leads to sexual performance anxiety which may then have a negative effect on a women's sexual function, causing difficulties becoming aroused and lubricated during sexual encounters," study co-author Laura Harvey, a psychology researcher at the University of Kent in the U.K., told Reuters. Bad, bad news.
Findings. There’s also the fact that by expecting perfection in bed, a partner may be fueling feelings of resentment. "Another explanation is that women who believe that their partner expects and puts pressure on them to be the perfect sexual partner may experience negative feelings towards their partner, which may in turn negatively affect their sexual function," Harvey added.
Findings. In contrast, setting high standards wasn’t bad per se when it was the women establishing these expectations for themselves. In fact, these sort of goals were linked to increased desire, arousal and lubrication, as well as higher-self esteem. Yay!
What it means. Overall, the study’s findings shine light on the struggles that many people may experience with sex, New York sex therapist Michael Aaron told Reuters. Though he wasn’t involved in the study, he believes that younger women are more vulnerable to this kind of pressure than older women since women in their 30s and 40s essentially know what they want in bed and aren’t afraid to ask for it. Meanwhile, younger women may be less sure of their own wants and needs as well as less confident communicating what they really want.
What it means. "Our society is filled with sexual myths and misconceptions, mostly stemming from a combination of our culture's puritanical roots, as well as rampant consumerism, which feeds off individual insecurities to sell unnecessary products,” Aaron told Reuters by email.
What it means.Sex therapist Ian Kerner, Ph. D., author of “She Comes First,” spoke to Women’s Health about the study and said the findings were actually surprising to him. According to Kerner, sexual perfectionism isn’t a common complaint in his office. However, he said that many couples and people have “high sexual standards, such as a rigid idea of how sex should go and how often it should take place.
Tips. Are you sleeping with a sexual perfectionist? Not sure? According to Kerner, you might be having sex with an in-the-sack perfectionist if they meet the following criteria: if they have a strong vision of how sex should go down; if they’re strict or rigid around how the deed should unfold; and if they have an obsession with both their orgasms and yours.
Tips.In addition, Kerner says you might be sleeping with a sexual perfectionist if they have a lack of interest — or get angry — at your feedback in the bedroom. Other criteria include: a lack of coaching or guiding during sex; if they’re critical of your sex skills; and if they’re more concerned with the “performance” of it all than the
Tips. So, what can you do if you’re sleeping with a sexual perfectionist? Two words: Speak up. Tell your partner how you’re feeling, and try to break through their protective outer shell to get to their more vulnerable side. Communicate honestly, above all — it’s the secret to better sex.
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