A Step-By-Step Guide to a Kinkier Sex Life

How To Start Experimenting With Hair-Pulling, Spanking & More–The Best BDSM Tips for MAXIMUM Pleasure…

Let’s talk about BDSM.

Maybe you’re looking to experiment with rougher sex, or ease a “vanilla” girl into kinky stuff — but you’re not quite sure how to get started.

Maybe you’re even a little nervous.

When I first thought about kink, I was pretty anxious about even mentioning it. So nervous, in fact, that I never brought it up to anyone I dated before getting married.

While married, my wife and I never talked about it, either. And though it happened spontaneously a few times, we never really acknowledged it.

But — like you — I was always pretty curious. However, you can’t usually just let your kink flag fly in the bedroom without giving your partner a little warning (or else you might end up scaring her away).

If you do it right, though, kink, like BDSM and role-playing — or anything else you can think of — can add a whole new dimension to your relationship. And sex will be a lot more interesting.

So, we’re going to explore some aspects of BDSM and kink, talk about some terminology and consider where you may fall on the kink spectrum. Then we’ll discuss how to get started and where to find potential playmates.

What Are Kink & BDSM? Everything You Need to Know About Exploring The World of Sexual Taboos…

If you’re not already familiar with what we’re talking about, you’re likely asking yourself:

“What is kink? What is BDSM… and what does BDSM stand for, anyway?”

Kink is the overarching term for erotic play (or lifestyle) that includes BDSM — bondage, dominance and submission, discipline, and sadomasochism — as well as any number of other erotic activities that range from role-playing to dressing up like friendly, furry animals and rubbing each other vigorously.

Although popular imagery of some aspects of kink and BDSM may make it appear violent, it’s not. Done right, kink involves consent and understanding so that the folks involved don’t hurt one another in any way they don’t want to be.

Even the most violent-seeming aspects of kink are not violent. They may cause a lot of consensual pain, but all activities, if done correctly, are under control at all times — and can be good for you!

In fact, a study in Psychology of Consciousness: Theory, Research, and Practice connected BDSM sex to a higher state of “flow.”

Flow has been described as “a finely tuned sense of rhythm… anticipation… a state of intense emotional involvement and timelessness that comes from immersive and challenging activities.”

As it happens, BDSM is “immersive and challenging” enough to trigger flow, according to the experts that have studied it. This is because activities that have certain rules or parameters, things that are crucial to BDSM sex and play, tend to trigger flow states.

Once you’ve set down some ground rules, BDSM sex and play can create flow: “The ego falls away. Time flies. Every action, movement, and thought follows inevitably from the previous one…. your whole being is involved.”

It’s a feeling unlike any other — and worth experiencing at least once, in my opinion.

In addition to the individual flow benefits that BDSM offers, studies report that kink of all sorts improves relationships and increases couples’ reported levels of sexual satisfaction.

Young couples who add variety to their sex lives form stronger bedroom bonds. Even older couples who add a little kink or BDSM sex to their relationship feel more connected and more satisfied in their relationships than vanilla (kinkless) couples.

How To Figure Out if BDSM & Kink Are Your “Thing”…

Asking “What does BDSM stand for?” or “What is BDSM?” is one thing. But trying to figure out what you want when it comes to kink or BDSM dating is a whole other thing.

Before you think about BDSM dating or asking your current partner to help scratch a kinky itch, you’ve got to know what that itch is.

Don’t just look her in the eye and say, “Do something to me” — neither of you will have much fun or feel very satisfied.

You have to be specific. Do you want to become a pirate and ravish a trussed-up wench, on a ship, flipping the skirts of her Victorian dress over her head and bending her over the rail?

Or maybe you want a naked woman in a unicorn mask to put a spiked collar around your neck, jam a cat-o-nine-tails in your bunghole and walk you on all fours like an Irish wolfhound.

And maybe just a little spanking is enough. Kink can be about as mellow or extreme as you want it to be — as long as everyone agrees.

You both need to have some idea about how you to feel. Are you going for romantic adventure? Do you want to be debased and abused?

What’s important is that your desires are just that: they’re yours.

Whatever they may be, get them down to the details. Once you can articulate what it is you’d like your partner to explore with you — and exploration is fine, too, but kink is such a big arena that you need to narrow it down — it’s time to start talking.

There are many things you’ll need to consider to help you better define your desires and roles.

Roleplaying 101: Doms, Subs, & More…

Here are some roles to think about when you’re trying to figure out where you fall on BDSM dating spectrum:

 Dominants — Also called doms or tops (as in on top). A dom can’t really be a dom without a sub (submissive). The dom is the one who directs and controls the sub. Some examples of dominant roles, include:

2) Master/Mistress — A Master or Mistress will expect varying degrees of compliance from their sub, and some may treat them as an object that is ignored unless needed, or want their sub “trained” to anticipate their needs.

3) Daddy/Mommy — A Daddy or Mommy Dominant has nothing to do with incest fantasies or anyone underage; it is simply a classification of Dom that is nurturing and affectionate to their “Little” who may act out childishly.

4) FemDom — Always a woman, the FemDom can have a male or female sub, but will assume traditionally “male” gender roles, whether 24/7 or only during sexual play. This role may involve humiliating a male partner who is “forced” into feminine roles.

5) Submissives — As you’ve likely surmised, the sub or bottom is the kink partner who submits to and follows the orders and directions of a dom. Some examples of submissive roles include:

6) Slave — When a sub is a slave, they give over their own will entirely to their Master. It’s a more encompassing, more entire form of submission, in which the sub doesn’t set their own limits–their boundaries are set for them by their master or mistress. They act as though “owned” by their master and may or may not be masochists, but collars are quite common in M/S play.

7) Pet — In pet play, the sub is a pet ― often a pony, puppy or kitty ― and the dom is the master. Pet play may involve costumes and accessories like tails, cages, collars or leashes, but it will vary in terms of what the sub gets out of it. Some pets enjoy the aspects of dehumanization and exhibitionism, while others enjoy letting loose and relaxing while their “master” strokes or pets them. No actual animals are harmed during pet play (that’s bestiality and it’s illegal in most states).

8) Little — A little is an adult who adopts a role that is similar to a pet, in that they look to their Dom for protection and care–however, rather than assuming a role related to an animal, it tends to revolve around human age play. This power dynamic is often non-sexual, but can involve a lot of dressing up and “childish” activities, as well as being spoiled and punished by their mommy or
daddy dom.

What To Do If You Want to Experiment With Multiple BDSM Roles…

Obviously, when you’re role-playing, the world is your oyster (a kinky oyster) and you can be anything you want. But there are other roles in kinky/BDSM sex that are predefined, and it will help your partner — or potential partner — if you know what kind of role you prefer to play.

Deciding at the outset that you want to be in one role doesn’t mean that you can’t change your mind and trade off later. You both just have to communicate, consent, and understand that it’s happening. I mean, if you both suddenly decided to be subs without talking about it, the two of you would just lie there waiting for something to happen.

Take me, for example. I am a solid dom (dominant or “top”). As I mentioned before, I happened onto my love of rough sex accidentally. I was vanilla and enjoyed it for years.

Despite having some low-key rough-sex fantasies, I never asked any of my sexual partners or my wife about it. It wasn’t until after my divorce, during sex with one of my first post-marriage partners, that I figured out how intense it can be. She was on top of me, and I could tell from her face and the way she was moving that she was on the verge of coming.

She said, “Spank me.” I was startled and was like,“Umm…what?” Nobody had ever ordered me to spank them before.

“Spank me! Right now!” So I did. “Harder!” (an order she repeated several times).

At the edge of orgasm, she begged me to pinch her nipple, ordering me to squeeze harder, and harder — beyond a point where I felt comfortable, as I have pretty awesome grip strength — but I did. And she exploded, and then I did, too.

We kept at it all night long: spanking, pulling, tugging, biting, f–king, and coming. I was hooked.

I was lucky in my first BDSM sex experience: A dom told me what to do. But as a natural dom, I had no problem with being the one who gives the spanking. We worked out the logistics on the fly, and several years later, she is still my favorite partner. (I love when she visits!)

As my experience illustrates, in rough sex, the dom does not always have to be the deliverer. The top often tells the bottom what he should do to her. Communication is not only necessary, it’s fun and makes for a better overall experience.

Even so, the dom is strong in this one.

(For some more specific kinky sex moves hot girls love, check out this quick free video.)

The “Spanking And…” Conversation That Safely & Consensually Tests Her Sexual Limits (And Yours)

After that first BDSM dating experience, I now have the “spanking and…” conversation with just about every woman I sleep with.

Unsurprisingly, not everyone is into it… and that’s fine. Vanilla sex is still awesome; but rough sex with the right partner can be even more awesome.

If your partner is not into it, or you need to find a partner to play with you, the internet — you’re shocked, I know — offers plenty of opportunities where you can meet like-minded kinky partners.

There are plenty of BDSM sites out there. Mobile users, of course, can use tools like the Fetlife app to meet a dom for their sub, or vice versa. (But more on that in a bit.)

But, even if you’ve vetted somebody on a kink/BDSM site or the Fetlife app, you need to use some restraint.

When you’re playing rough with or spanking a new partner — or if you’re both trying it for first time — you’ve got to take it slow. And always check in: “Is this okay? How about this?”

There are several benefits of starting slowly.

Not only do you figure out the point where rough play is most pleasurable, but you also get stimulated from the gentle build-up. In addition, by slowly increasing the intensity, you build up tolerance over time — and that means you can eventually take the kink or BDSM even further.

(Note: When you’re just getting started, these 3 rough sex moves are usually best to start with. Click here to check them out.)

It Doesn’t End There…

When you’re on the receiving end, be specific and give feedback. One partner likes me to slap her in the p–sy. The first time, I was way too gentle for her, even though she kept asking me to do it harder.

We talked about it afterward, and with some tweaks in the technique and live feedback, I spanked her labia until she came. I slapped her much, much harder than I ever would’ve imagined a sensitive area like that could take. But she took it and loved it — so who am I to judge?

In a similar situation, my partner was warming me up with her hand during foreplay. Something she was doing was just right, and I asked her to keep going with her hand. But it was also just wrong: I needed her to do it harder and with more contact to my balls.

It’s not that I always like to be punched in my balls while getting jerked off, but in that moment, it’s what I wanted. I kept asking her to do it harder, but she kept holding back because she didn’t want to hurt me. Eventually, she got there (and so did I).

Clearly, our own inhibitions can get in the way of pleasure — especially when it comes to kink or BDSM. You have to trust your partner to tell you when enough is enough or when they need more.

But you also can’t just turn things up and go immediately from 1 to 11, either. When it comes to kink, you need a combination of check-ins, feedback, and gradually-increasing intensity.

3 Steps to Introduce BDSM Into Your Bedroom for the First Time…

Once you and your partner get to know each other’s kinks a little better, you may be able to start at a more advanced level of intensity. But don’t forget that the buildup can intensify the pleasure. And that’s what kink is all about.

Here are 3 steps to ease into experimenting with BDSM for maximum pleasure with any woman:

1) Communicate

When you’re ready to talk to your partner about stepping up the kink in your relationship, the first thing to do is block off some specific time. Whether it’s at a fancy restaurant, a local dive, or your front porch, make the date about the conversation.

As excited as you may be about the prospect, you must go into the conversation with an open mind. You need to be ready to hear that your partner is simply a “vanilla” — a person whose sexual tastes don’t include kink. On the other hand, you also must be prepared to explore her sexual desires, as well, even if they make you squirm.

Kink only works with two open-minded, consenting adults. When it comes to BDSM dating, consent is the most important — and sexiest thing about the relationship.

Anything short of that is simply one partner humoring the other. While compromise is an important part of a relationship, it can be unfulfilling when it comes to mutual sexual exploration.

2) Make Sure You’re on the Same Page

Start simple. Once you and your partner decide to try a little kink, don’t dive into your deepest desires right away. Begin slowly, and only try one new experience at a time.

Trying too much too soon is a rookie mistake. You’ve got to elevate your comfort levels gradually so that you and your partner are both ready when it comes time to take it to the next level. But, when you get there, you’ll be happy you took the leap.

Getting started with kink doesn’t have to be complicated. You don’t need the latest in ball gag technology. The only things you really need are consent and some boundaries.

The most important thing to remember when you start playing around with kink is that it’s based on pleasure. It’s not violence or punishment in the real-world sense. In the bedroom, or wherever, the only reason for rough sex is to make you both feel good.

3) Set Boundaries

And when it doesn’t feel good, you have to stop. Consent is the most important component of kink and BDSM. If you don’t have it, you can’t do it.

Another important component is a safe word. If you’re just experimenting with kink like rough sex, spanking or nipple play, you may not need a safe word: “No” and “Stop” should work just fine.

Just make sure you both know when enough is enough. Going beyond the stopping point is violence, and harming one another is definitely not the point of kink.

On the other hand, the deeper you get into roles and fantasies, the more important a safe word becomes. If you are enacting a rape scenario, “No” is not going to work as a safe word.

Communicate. Be open. Set boundaries.

What you’re trying to do is create a more intense erotic (emotional and physical) experience. The intensity of the feelings creates a bonding experience and can help make your relationship stronger.

In some cases, kink does not even involve sex. Many practitioners find the stimulation from a kinky act, say spanking, intense enough that it doesn’t even have to be paired with sex. You and your partner need to figure out what works right for you.

When you’re talking with your partner, you both have to be clear about what you want to do and what you don’t want to do. Do you want to spank, be spanked, both? Will this happen before, during or after sex — or is sex even involved?

The #1 Move to Ease a Woman Into BDSM (No Talking Necessary)…

If you’re the kind of guy who doesn’t like much talking before sex… or you’d like to ease a “vanilla” girl into BDSM, without having some long conversation about it…

… then I’d like to introduce you the 5-Finger “Tantra Technique.”

It’s a somewhat “safe” BDSM move that you can use during foreplay, to give a woman multiple stacked, addictive orgasms… and to get her to truly let loose with you in the bedroom…

Here’s how it’s done:

When you’re kissing her, slide your hand down her panties and finger her like normal for a bit (until she’s pretty wet).

Then, after about 30-45 seconds, do this with your middle, ring, and pinky fingers… while you do THIS with your thumb and pointer finger.

It may not feel super “kinky” for you at first…

…though the combination of pressure and pulsing *down there* is usually enough to give her multiple stacked orgasms, that she begs you for more of every time she sees you.

(Note: Whenever I’m feeling really dominant with a girl, I like to make her get down on her knees and literally beg me for this move. So try that out if you want to have some fun.)

6 Kink & BDSM Online Resources to Find Women Who Want To Experiment…

If you don’t have a partner, you’ll need to explore some BDSM sites or mobile tools like the Fetlife app to find one. These are some resources that will help you find a partner and communicate with them, using the same kink/BDSM language.

Kink/BDSM apps and sites:

1) Kinkd: Kinkd is a dating app for people who are into the fetish side of kink.

2) KNKI: KNKI is a dating app that is designed to appeal to the BDSM community, although folks into fetishes, poly and other kinds of kink will also find a home here.

3) Whiplr: Whiplr was one of the first and is among the largest mobile communities for people interested in all aspects of kink.

4) Kinkstr: Kinkstr bills itself as a “sex positive” dating community for kinksters. The app allows you to match with others based on shared kinks.

5) Fetlife: Fetlife is a social networking site for folks who are interested in BDSM, fetishism and kink, in general. The site compares itself to Facebook — except for kinksters.

6) Collarspace: Collarspace bills itself as the planet’s largest BDSM community. It’s an online space where you can meet and chat with others who are into the BDSM lifestyle.

For some examples of proven messages to send these women you meet online, click here.

The BDSM Dictionary: How To Speak the Language Of Kink Like A Pro…

Here are some more BDSM & kinky terms that will help you explore the world of rough sex without coming off as a total beginner:

1) Aftercare – a period of time after play during which players take a break and
check in with each other/re-establish connections.

2) Bondage – Restraint or restriction of a subject, often used to refer to a
preference (ie, “I like bondage”). Can include rope bondage, suspension
bondage, leather bondage, furniture and device bondage, and predicament
bondage.

3) Collar/Collaring – Usually represents someone’s identity as a submissive and/
or owned person, a collar can be imbued with whatever meaning by the
wearer, or none at all, although it often carries some symbolic weight.

4) Dom(me) – A role identifying a person as dominant; to be on the controlling
and decision-making side of power exchange.

5) Fetlife – The Fetlife app and website is kink’s equivalent of
Facebook, where you can post pictures, a status, writing, finding local
groups, making friends, and organizing events.

6) Floggers/Flogging – Common BDSM toys and practice, floggers are multi-
tailed whips. The tails can be made from various materials, such as leather,
suede, or hair, often with wood or synthetic handles wrapped in the material of
choice. Flogging can produce a sensation that’s anywhere from sharp sting to
heavy thud, or any combination of the two.

7) Shibari – traditional Japanese rope bondage, Shibari is more aesthetically
specific than western bondage that uses a series ropes of designated
lengths and diameters.

8) Submissive – One who gives, relents, or doesn’t have power.

9) Vanilla – A word first used to describe non-kink oriented sex.

10) Wax Play – play involving dripping hot wax on the skin. Different waxes can
be used, although many burn at different temperatures, and good research
beforehand is highly recommended.

The BDSM Bottom Line…

When it comes to kink, you can pretty much be anything you want, as long as you and your partner(s) are on the same page about what you’re doing and what the expectations are.

Ultimately, though, if you want to start experimenting with BDSM… it’s important to be prepared.

Have a safe word and know your limits… including your physical limits.

Me, for example, I’m 49 years old. I’m no spring chicken, and I don’t have nearly as much energy as I used to.

So whenever I have a date with a girl who I think might be into BDSM, or kinky marathon sex… I always eat this “Sex Snack” beforehand.

It’s a combination of 5 simple ingredients, that work to boost bloodflow, so I perform at my best…

… and so I can “keep up” with these hot, younger women who love being spanked, choked, and tied up into mindblowing orgasms.