I’ve suffered from depression all of my adult life. Even before I was “officially” diagnosed as having major depressive disorder in my midtwenties, I already knew something wasn’t exactly adding up. Despite doctors trying to pacify my feelings of nothingness—a feeling far worse than sadness—with different pills during my early twenties, it wasn’t until a suicide attempt in 2005 that I got my official diagnosis. And I’m far from alone: According to the World Health Organization, 350 million people of all ages, worldwide, suffer from it.
Pushing back against my depression is a daily fight, and it affects every aspect of my life. It impacts my work, so much so that I can go back and read something I’ve written even a year or two ago and know whether it was written on a “good” or “bad” day. It messes with my relationships with friends and family, especially those who don’t “get it.” And it especially affects my sex life.
While many people experience changes in their sex drive from antidepressants, I find depression itself has sexual side effects. If my depression decides to kick itself into high gear on a given day, my desire for sex becomes nonexistent. I get dark and self-loathing. I feel disappointed that I’ve let this disease sap the joy out of things I usually love—sex included.
During times when I have actually gone through the motions of having sex despite my mental state, it usually goes poorly—it’s halfhearted on my end, as if I’d rather be doing anything else, even if I’m not sure what that “anything” might be. I’m overly self-conscious about how my belly isn’t as flat as it was at 25, the way my nose is a bit crooked, how wild and curly my hair is, the way my body might smell or taste, and whether or not I should even bother to fake an orgasm—something I’m usually really against. It usually ends with asking myself why I've even bothered to have sex, and the answer in my head is always the same: You’re fighting against this disease. You’re not going to let it win. You’re going to try to enjoy sex just as much as you might on a “good” day, when the absence of feeling isn’t so tangible.
“Depression can impact a woman's sex life in a variety of ways,” clinical psychologist and sex therapist Marianne Brandon, Ph.D., explains. “It often brings with it a low sex drive, as well as decreased energy and motivation, impaired self-esteem, and a desire to be alone—all of which can impact a woman's interest in and enjoyment of sex.” Depression also kicks negativity into overdrive, which means that even when I’ve been in love and known I was loved back, my brain didn’t care. Depression made me unable to see clearly, and there was no enjoyment to be had.
After dealing with this disease for so long, though, I also know there are things I can do to help me cope with my depression and the full-on awfulness that comes with it. I immerse myself in yoga, try to move my body as much as possible, and I definitely lay off the alcohol (depressants aren’t going to help). If things get really bad, I also double up on my therapy sessions, because input from a professional has always taken the “why am I so broken?” thoughts out of my brain.
There are other ways to take charge of your depression too. “Start by talking with your doctor about alternative antidepressant medications that have fewer risks of sexual side effects,” says Dr. Brandon. “Also, intensifying treatments for depression that don't negatively impact sexuality can be helpful, like regular exercise and relying on social supports.” She also recommends eating healthy, getting adequate sleep, and good self-care, which can help lift people out of depressive funks. “Keep in mind that depression is common, and there is help available,” she adds. “There is no reason to suffer alone.”
I know I’m not alone in this struggle, even if I am still accepting that everyday activities like sex will occasionally be interrupted. But I’ll keep fighting, because that’s all I can do. Depression may be a constant battle, but I’m determined to defeat it more often than not.
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