Hopefully you come away satisfied pretty much every time you have sex. But that doesn't mean there isn't room for improvement—for you and your partner.
“It's always possible to get better at sex,” says New York City sex therapist Ian Kerner, Ph.D., author of She Comes First. “You can always get more in tune with your own process of sexual arousal, as well as your partner's, and always fine-tune/enhance the stimulation and orgasm, much of which comes through knowing yourself and knowing each other.”
Jessica O’Reilly, Astroglide’s resident sex and relationship expert, agrees: “I’m a sexologist, and I know I could be much better in bed.”
FOR YOUR PARTNER
1. Work the spare parts: "Don't forget the perineum, testicles, and mons pubis (that padded area right above the genitals),” says licensed marriage and sex therapist Kat Van Kirk, Ph.D. She recommends tickling, fondling, and sucking the areas, both during foreplay and sex, to show how creative you are.
2. Bust out a sex toy: Sometimes we all need an extra hand to ramp things up, which is why Van Kirk recommends keeping a favorite sex toy handy. “Using a good sex toy, you can keep things spontaneous, avoid hand/wrist fatigue, and ensure that everyone 'gets there,'” she says.
3. Lube, lube, lube: “The things you can do with lube will change your life,” says O’Reilly. Her best lube move: Use two hands (fingers interlaced) and a generous serving of lube to create a tight, wet grip for an epic hand job. “The couples I work with say this simple hand job technique is so good, it could put an end to blow jobs,” she says.
4. Tease the anal area: There’s a big difference between anal sex (which isn’t for everyone) and anal play (which can feel risque but still within many people’s comfort zones). Kerner recommends grazing your partner’s anal area with your fingers or lips, especially during oral. “There are lots of nerve endings, and it’s also a taboo area for many guys,” he says. Van Kirk agrees: “Many men and women enjoy a little finger play during sex. It ups the ante."
5. Double up on sensations: Try stimulating two areas at once. For example, Kerner says you can squeeze your partner’s nipple while giving manual or oral stimulation to hit several erogenous zones at once.
FOR YOU
6. Don’t be afraid to fantasize: Kerner points out that there’s nothing wrong with fantasizing while you’re having sex—and it can really blow your mind. Plus, “it helps stress centers deactivate, which is important for arousal process,” he says.
7. Take things into your own hands: The clitoris is the gateway to orgasm for most women, so Kerner recommends either guiding your partner to yours or stimulating it yourself if you’re not getting what you need.
8. Get noisy: Not only is noisy sex hot, there’s a biological aspect of it that makes sex even better, O’Reilly says. “Holding back/muffling your sounds impedes natural breathing patterns, which can hinder orgasmic response,” she says. Moaning, groaning, and breathing heavily, on the other hand, helps move things along.
9. Clear your head: It sounds obvious that you should be in the moment when you’re having sex, but Van Kirk notes that it’s an issue for a lot of women. “Being stuck in your head, worried about how you look during sex or what you need to do when you're done, never improves sex,” she points out. Instead, zero in on the sensations you’re feeling and ride them out.
10. Masturbate more: "Most women don't self stimulate enough,” says Van Kirk. “This can result in orgasm issues related to a lack of self awareness about what stimulation works best for them.” Plus, she points out, women who masturbate more tend to have higher self esteems and more confidence in the bedroom. And, of course, when you know what works for you during a solo session, it’s more easy to get what you need with partner sex.
11. Talk it out: While there are a lot of moves you can try, Kerner says talking about sex, communicating during sex, and sharing fantasies really is the best way to have next-level sex. “When people think back on the best sex they ever had, there's often an aspect of novelty or psychological stimulation,” he says.
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