Should You Tell Your S.O. If You've Never Orgasmed?

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Having an orgasm should be considered a woman’s birthright. After all, what could be better than our lady parts lighting up like Wonder Woman’s lasso while dopamine pumps through our bodies? But unfortunately for us ladies, orgasms can be hard to come by.

According to recent study in the Archives of Sexual Behavior, only 65% of women are able to have orgasms during sex. Even worse, there are actually women who have gone their entire lives without ever experiencing the big O—not even through masturbation. 

Elisabeth Lloyd, a professor of biology and an affiliated faculty scholar at the Kinsey Institute, studied this phenomenon while working on her book, The Case of the Female Orgasm. Through her research, LLoyd concluded that 11% of women are not achieving orgasm. Ever. Struggling to experience something that comes naturally to many women can feel frustrating, embarrassing, and maybe even a touch shameful. And if you do fall into that category, you've also probably grappled with whether or not you should tell your S.O. about your orgasm challenge.

 

Well, sex therapist and creator of Finishing School, Vanessa Marin, says that it’s time you speak up.

Marin suggests airing everything out before becoming intimate. “It takes some courage to come right out and talk about your orgasm, but setting your partner's expectations will help you both focus on exploring what feels good for you,” she says.

“If you're with a new partner, you can say something like, ‘Just so you know, I've never had an orgasm before, so let's not make that the goal for now, okay?’” This step is important because placing heavy focus on climaxing can actually make things worse, causing your body to tense up and form a mental block. When your issue is out in the open, you can enter a sexual situation sans pressure, allowing your mind to become a sponge that absorbs all the different sensations happening during foreplay and intercourse. And the moment you feel open and relaxed, so will your lady parts.

 

If you’re already in the deep end with a long-term partner, Marin also has some time tips for coming clean that you’ve been faking it.

“Your partner might be hurt initially [when you tell him], but you can make it clear that you never intended to hurt [his] feelings,” she says. “Let him know why you faked. For example, maybe you had a partner in the past who pressured you to have an orgasm, so you just started doing it out of habit.”

Learn 14 mind-blowing facts that will completely change the way you think about orgasms:

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While talking with your partner may be the first step to actually experiencing an orgasm, Marin believes that you need to “pass go” on your own before enlisting the help of someone else—so don't be afraid to masturbate.

“It's just too hard to learn how to have your first orgasm with another person,” Marin explains. “Learning how to get yourself off is the most empowering, exciting experience you can have.” (In the market for a new sex toy? Add something extra to your sex life with the JimmyJane Form 8 vibe from the Women's Health Boutique.)

And in case the promise of your first orgasm isn't enough of a perk, masturbating also has plenty of other potential benefits, too. According to Planned Parenthood, getting yourself off may help you sleep, reduce stress, relieve tension and soothe menstrual cramps, to name a few. And, of course, touching yourself can also inform and improve your sex life. After all, knowledge is power. “Once you know what works for you, you can show or tell your partner what you like," Marin says.