Premature Ejaculation: Learn Control

Premature ejaculation may be the most common sexual problem for men. It is probably more common among younger men and men with less sexual experience, but can also appear later in men in established relationships. Ejaculation is said to be premature if it happens too quickly, the man doesn’t feel able to slow it down, and he feels badly about it. This can then negatively affect the couple’s sex life and overall relationship happiness, but fortunately, men can respond quite well to treatment.
Just as good sex results from a combination of physical, psychological, and relationship factors, so too is premature ejaculation potentially influenced by all of these, so we need to look at all three in order to figure out what is going on.
Physical: Diabetes and cardiovascular disease have both been associated with premature ejaculation, as has withdrawal from opiates and alcohol.

Psychological: Depression, anxiety, anger at one’s partner, low self-esteem, and sexual guilt can all make premature ejaculation more likely, as can being out of tune with one’s level of sexual arousal. Ironically, some men struggle with both premature ejaculation and also erectile difficulties—they increase stimulation to ensure they get a good erection but then orgasm too quickly or they try to distract themselves from the sensations so as to not orgasm too quickly but then lose their erection. Satisfying sex usually entails finding somewhere in between.

Relationship: Sexual and non-sexual relationship factors can also impact the man’s sexual functioning. Power struggles, poor communication, fear of commitment or intimacy, and feeling pressured to perform can all reduce the man’s ejaculatory control. In addition, if the man believes that his female partner does not enjoy sex (which may not actually be true) or if she experiences discomfort during sex or he worries that she might, he may try to get it over with as quickly as possible.

Medical Treatment
If you suspect that medical conditions or medications are impacting your sex life, then speak with your treatment providers and, if necessary, explore your options. You may find it helpful to include your partner in this discussion, both to provide potentially useful information as well as to weigh in on treatment options.

There are currently no medications approved for the treatment of premature ejaculation, but the SSRI antidepressants are sometimes used off-label. Numbing creams are available to reduce sensation and thereby slow down orgasm, but they are usually far from ideal. If the premature ejaculation is the result of overstimulation from fears of losing one’s erection, then erection medications can be helpful. If you find that a treatment is not working as expected, then talk with your treatment providers to see if refinements can be made.

Psychological Treatment
However the premature ejaculation started, once a couple has been struggling with it for a while, it can cast a dark shadow on their sex life. A sex therapist can help you disentangle these negative effects, as well as normalize the various solutions that you tried (including maybe avoiding sex entirely). This may also involve working on non-sexual matters that are intruding on your sex life.
Whether or not you see a therapist, you and your partner can work on communicating more about what each of you want from your sex life and agree on what options you would like to try together at this time. Be direct about what you do and don’t like, what you would like from your partner, what you’re willing to do for your partner, and what you are not interested in doing. It will probably be helpful to explore your assumptions about each other and whether they are getting in the way (e.g., women usually just put up with sex). This greater awareness of your own and your partner’s sexual desires makes it easier to feel confident in your sexual encounters which tends to reduce concerns about performance.

Some men develop rapid ejaculation if they feel that their partner isn’t enjoying sex, just wants to get it over with, or finds it painful. If there is truth to this worry, then it is worth exploring whether more foreplay, some quality lube, or different positions might make sex more enjoyable for her. If the discomfort remains or is too pronounced, then a medical examination may be worthwhile.

Once you have had some of these conversations, if the difficulties remain, you and your partner can practice the start-stop technique. This involves progressing through a series of exercises at home that teach you greater and greater awareness of your arousal level, response to stimulation, and ultimately control over your orgasm. These relatively simple exercises have been found to be quite effective and can be found easily online, so look around for one that feels like a good fit for you and your partner. An added bonus of these exercises is that they also help partners be more aware of not only their own level of arousal, but also their partner’s, and to thereby communicate better about it. This is no small thing, since good communication and coordination makes sex much better for both people. If you find yourselves still struggling, a sex therapist can help you make refinements.

Perhaps not surprisingly, some couples emerge from the adversity of premature ejaculation better off for it. One of the best lessons that you can both learn from this experience is to talk explicitly about and identify all the various ways that you can make your sexual encounters mutually satisfying, regardless of when you each orgasm. That way, both of you can have a good time, regardless of when one of you climaxes. After all, an erection is not necessarily a requirement for satisfying a woman sexually. Knowing that you have other options takes the pressure off of both of you, so the encounter can still be a success, even if one orgasm comes sooner than you would wish. As with so many other things in life, a flexible approach with multiple options tends to make the whole thing more enjoyable.

Advice: The Part-time Lover

Q: My husband and I are very happy together, but he will only have sex with me every three days. When I ask him what the problem is, he tells me that it takes three days for a man's sex glands to recover, and that having sex more frequently may cause his organs permanent damage. I've never heard this before; I wonder, is he telling me the truth, or could he be hiding some other issue?

A: Here are some basic facts. The time it takes after orgasm for bodies to return to normal levels of functioning is known as the refractory period. Heart rate, breathing and blood pressure return to normal levels. It may take a few minutes for sexual responsiveness and the capacity for erection to be restored. It certainly takes time to restore the capacity for orgasm.

As men age, the refractory period generally gets longer. It can vary from a few minutes to a day or more. There is no invariable rule, as the refractory period normally varies with any one man and varies from man to man. In general, with age it takes a longer period of stimulation to produce erection and ejaculation. Direct stimulation of the penis is helpful and often necessary,

Also as men age, the amount of semen ejaculated may be reduced. Semen consists of sperm and secretions produced by the prostate and other glands.
At the very least, your husband is operating on a misconception. It would be helpful to provide him with information. There are many authoritative websites that provide information.

But he may be operating on a deliberate lie. He may be saving his sexual energy for another partner.
You can tell a lot from the sex you now have. Is your husband open to an extended period of lovemaking that satisfies you both, both emotionally and physically, and that may involve multiple orgasms, or is sex a very perfunctory event?

If you have great sex and your husband is warm and responsive for as long as you both want or need, then it sounds as if you indeed have a lot to be happy about.
But if your every-three-days sex is an act engaged in not so much to exchange affection but to release a single orgasm, then you have cause for concern.

For starters, why don’t you try approaching your husband more often in bed?

Who Says Pills Kill Sexual Thrills?

What's good for the goose isn't good for the gander, at least when it comes to sex and some types of antidepressants.
Prozac and its pharmaceutical peers—officially known as selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors, or SSRIs—have been gaining a reputation for inhibiting sexual desire. So when Lisa Piazza, M.D., of Cornell University Medical College, placed a group of 25 depressed people on SSRls, the surprise was not that the sexual functioning of the men got significantly worse—but that of the women significantly improved.

After six weeks of treatment, Piazza found that sexual desire, psychological arousal, and overall sexual functioning improved for the women, while ease of orgasm, satisfaction from orgasm, and overall sexual functioning deteriorated for the men.

Side effects from SSRI treatment may simply be less common in women, says Piazza. She also points out that the women had greater sexual impairment compared to the men at the beginning of the study, as a result of their chronic depression. Their low starting point left ample room for improvement.

Is Sex Always Pleasurable?

The setting is an undergraduate classroom at a large public Southern University where 640 students are enrolled in a class on Human Sexuality and Culture.
How sad, I think to myself. Why, I wonder? My two best educated guesses follow. I certainly welcome other thoughts readers have on why these college women instantly, and vehemently, proclaimed that sex is often without pleasure.
My first explanation concerns the prevalence of sexual assault on college campuses, a grave problem that was the focus of a 2005 United States Justice Department report. According to this report, which compiled an array of research on the topic, one in five college women will be raped during her college career. In the vast majority of these crimes (between 80 and 90 percent) the victim and her rapist know each other. In fact, says the U.S Justice Department report, "...the more intimate the relationship, the more likely it is for a rape to be completed rather than attempted." It is no wonder, then, that half of all student victims do not label the incident "rape." It is with despondency that I guess that at least some of the voices who shouted "No" were not referring to bad sex but to rape--a crime of violence.

My second guess about the chorus of no's relates to a lack of understanding about women's sexuality that permeates our culture. Especially problematic are cultural myths about vaginal orgasms. In an interview for the Huffington Post, Liz Canner, the director of the must-see film Orgasm Inc., said, "One the most damaging sociocultural beliefs popularized by psychoanalysis and Sigmund Freud was that women were supposed to have fabulous vaginal orgasms every time they had (heterosexual) intercourse. We know now, from the groundbreaking work of Shere Hite in the 1970s, that this is not true. In fact, 70 percent of women need direct clitoral stimulation in order to climax." The importance of clitoral stimulation, and the myth of the vaginal orgasm, has also been the topic of some of my past PT blogs, including Orgasms: You Can't Fake it Till You Make It. The bottom line: Most women need direct clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm, yet culture still promotes the notion that women should orgasm through heterosexual vaginal intercourse. In her Huffington Post Interview, Canner talks about a woman in her film, Charletta. Canner explains:

Charletta participated in the clinical trial of a medical device called an Orgasmatron. She underwent painful surgery to have the device installed in her spine. It turned out that Charletta actually had no trouble having an orgasm, but wanted it to happen during sex with her husband in what she considered a "normal" way. She was thrilled when I told her that most women don't climax through intercourse alone. According to Charletta, her idea about what her sex life was supposed to be like came from the movies.

Movies portray intercourse as the route to orgasm for women. Strikingly, the movie Kinsey, showed in this same undergraduate sexuality class in which the resounding "NO" was heard, has a scene in which Kinsey's wife has a screaming orgasm through intercourse. In the movie, the character that plays Kinsey educates students about oral sex and manual stimulation of a woman's clitoris. Yet, when portraying Kinsey's sexual encounters with his wife, intercourse-induced female orgasm is front and center.

So, maybe the women in this class screamed "NO" because they are equating sex with intercourse and they either aren't aware enough, or assertive enough, to educate their sexual partners about the clitoris. Maybe this is why research finds sexual satisfaction in women increases with age; we older women finally know what we like and feel comfortable telling our partners about it.

Intimately Connected

In evolutionary terms, the female orgasm is one of the most intriguing aspects of human reproduction. Because it varies widely and is often elusive it has proven very difficult to explain its origin convincingly. In her 2005 book, The Case of the Female Orgasm, Elisabeth Lloyd listed no fewer than 21 proposed explanations for the female climax. The only safe interpretation is that a woman’s orgasms are directly linked to her clitoris, the developmental equivalent of a man’s penis. Ultimately, Lloyd concluded that both the clitoris and orgasms are evolutionary by-products that serve no function, comparable to the vestigial nipples of men.
Possible functions of orgasms
Although multiple attempts have been made to identify biological functions for female orgasms and the clitoris, no convincing evidence has yet been produced to support any of them. If orgasms serve a function, they should be somehow linked with reproductive success, perhaps through increasing the chances of fertilization. Yet no such link has ever been documented and many authors simply invoke Aristotle’s comment that women can conceive without orgasm. The “up-suck” hypothesis that orgasm draws semen into the womb has been largely discredited. Moreover, if orgasm has any connection with the likelihood of fertilization, surely it should be more prevalent around ovulation in the middle of a woman’s menstrual cycle? But this is seemingly not the case. A 1968 paper by Richard Udry and Naomi Morris examining the distribution of coitus across the cycle incidentally recorded orgasms too. They occurred in about 70% acts of coitus across all stages, with no evidence of a mid-cycle surge.

Hitherto, little attempt has been made to establish whether female orgasms are linked to reproductive success. One exception is a 2013 paper by Brendan Zietsch and Pekka Santtila, who tested whether orgasm rate in women is connected with offspring number. Analysing data from over 8,000 identical and non-identical female twins in Finland, they showed that both orgasm rate and offspring number have substantial genetic foundations. However, after allowing for relationship duration and coitus frequency, orgasms and offspring number were not directly connected.

Exploring the clitoris
It beggars belief that the anatomy of the clitoris and associated structures was first properly documented less than 20 years ago. Helen O’Connell and colleagues achieved a major breakthrough with a 1998 paper and have since published additional details. Thanks to their research it is now evident that the clitoris is but a small, externally visible part of a much larger, complex system. As most of that “clitoral complex” lies below the surface, it has been aptly likened to an iceberg.
In 2008, Kim Wallen and Elisabeth Lloyd took a simplistic approach to bolster their argument that the clitoris is a functionless vestige. Using large published datasets, they argued that the clitoris is significantly more variable in length than the penis, indicating that natural selection is weak or absent. They linked variability in clitoris size to variability in occurrence of orgasm. But they did add a proviso: Because average clitoris length is less than a sixth of average penis length, precise measurement is more difficult. Nevertheless, in view of the wide range of clitoral sizes, Wallen and Lloyd concluded that measurement error did not explain their results.

Soon afterwards, however, Vincent Lynch challenged this conclusion. For starters, he questioned the unstated assumption that a woman’s capacity to achieve orgasm is directly related to the length of her clitoris (even less plausible because the substantial subsurface portion of the clitoral complex was ignored). But Lynch also repeated their analyses, using clitoris and penis volumes instead of lengths. Having thus reduced the potential influence of measurement error, Lynch found no significant difference in variability between clitoris and penis.

Origin of female orgasm
In a wide-ranging assessment of reproduction across mammals, a new paper by Mihaela Pavličev and Günter Wagner has radically transformed our understanding of the evolutionary context of female orgasm.
Their findings concern the basic pattern of the ovarian cycle in mammals. The key point is that a cycle always begins with the ripening of a batch of starter follicles. One or more of these may eventually release an egg through ovulation, after which the remnant of any ruptured follicle forms a corpus luteum (yellow body) that supports pregnancy. But there is a fundamental difference among mammals between induced ovulators, with ovulation occurring only in response to mating, and spontaneous ovulators, with internally triggered ovulation occurring regardless of mating. (In certain cases, ovulation is spontaneous but mating is needed to form a corpus luteum, which is effectively the same as induced ovulation.) In fact, most mammals  —  including many marsupials, insectivores, rodents, carnivores, rabbits and tree-shrews  —  are induced ovulators. Spontaneous ovulation is less common, occurring (as far as is known) in all primates, most hoofed mammals, at least some bats and a small group containing elephants, hyraxes and manatees. Analysis by Pavličev & Wagner neatly confirmed a conclusion in my 1990 book Primate Origins: Induced ovulation is the primitive state in placental mammals, while spontaneous ovulation developed as a derived condition in some lineages.Crucially, Pavličev & Wagner speculate that orgasm in women is associated with a hormonal surge (involving prolactin and oxytocin) with similarities to the mating-triggered surge in species with induced ovulation. They go on to infer that the human female orgasm is derived from the mating response that induced ovulation in ancestral mammals. Additional analyses revealed that the evolution of spontaneous ovulation is associated with increasing separation between clitoris and vagina. In most female mammals the lower ends of the urinary and reproductive tracts are combined into a urogenital sinus with a single opening to the outside world. Only relatively few mammals — including all primates and some rodents — have essentially eliminated that confluence, such that the urethra opens separately above the vaginal orifice. In sum, Pavličev & Wagner propose that evolution of spontaneous ovulation together with physical separation between clitoris and vagina freed orgasm to acquire new functions.
An intriguing finding reported by Wallen & Lloyd in 2011 is that the likelihood of a woman experiencing orgasm during coitus declines with the distance between her clitoris and urinary meatus (urethral opening). This was originally proposed in 1924 by “A.E. Narjani” (who outed herself 9 years later as the psychoanalyst Marie Bonaparte) and subsequently confirmed by Carney Landis and colleagues in the 1940 book Sex in Development. When Wallen and Lloyd analysed both datasets, which had never undergone formal statistical treatment, they found that a shorter clitoris-urethra distance was significantly related to orgasm during coitus. They concluded that a woman is very likely to have orgasms solely from coitus if the distance is less than 2.5 cm (1 inch). This difference, they suggested, could reflect different degrees of exposure to androgens (male hormones) during fetal development, with higher levels generating larger distances.

A functionless vestige?
Elisabeth Lloyd and Kim Wallen have championed the interpretation that the clitoris and associated orgasms are evolutionary relics with no functional significance. But this is logically inconsistent, because they also argue that there is little evidence that female orgasm occurs outside of humans. If the clitoris and orgasms of women are functionless — a mere byproduct of a genetic programme for developing the penis and ejaculation in males — surely we would expect orgasm to occur in all female mammals? That is, indeed, the implication of the interpretation proposed by Mihaela Pavličev and Günter Wagner.
There is also a striking sex difference between men and women in the development of orgasm. Whereas male orgasm develops quickly in close association with puberty, the frequency of female organism increases gradually and reaches a plateau only when a woman attains the age of about 35. If female orgasm were a functionless vestige, surely one would expect it to become less likely with age? In any case, now that the full extent of the clitoral complex in women is known, it seems scarcely probable that such complexity would have been preserved over evolutionary time without any accompanying function. Unfortunately, we currently do not know whether the clitoris has a similarly complex structure in other female mammals or whether it is unique to primates or perhaps women alone. Comparative studies are sorely needed to establish the evolutionary background of the human clitoral complex. If, for example, the extensive structure now documented for women originated in the common ancestor of monkeys, apes and humans, it would be exceedingly difficult to argue that it evolved without any selective advantage.

For now, it seems quite likely that the clitoris and orgasms in women do serve some evolved function. Rather than slavishly quoting Aristotle’s perfunctory observation that women can conceive without orgasm, we need to examine subtler aspects of human reproduction such as processes influencing female choice and bonding between partners.

If Orgasms and Love Elude You, Blame Commitment and Oxytocin

In a casual sex society, women may find themselves short-changed when it comes to satisfaction. Despite recent arguable research from the Italian Centre for Sexology -- claiming that neither the vaginal orgasm nor the G-spot exists -- researchers studying the hook-up generation have reported some interesting findings about orgasms involving both intercourse and oral sex. (1)

While we know that love-making stimulates oxytocin, the love hormone, researchers are finding that a committed partner appears to be key to women’s sexual pleasure.
Justin R. Garcia, PhD, and colleagues reported on research involving 600 college students with findings presented at the Annual Convention for Psychological Science in May 2014. He is Director of Education & Research Training at the Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender, and Reproduction at Indiana University.

If we look at a recent analysis of orgasms of women and men ages 21 – 65, restricted to “2,850 singles (1,497 men, 1,353 women) who had experienced sexual activity in the past 12 months,” the results were as follows:

Mean occurrence rate for experiencing orgasm during sexual activity with a familiar partner was 62.9% among single women and 85.1% among single men for which there was little variation in the mean rate based on sexual orientation.
“For women, however, mean occurrence rate of orgasm varied significantly by sexual orientation: heterosexual women 61.6%, lesbian women 74.7%, bisexual women 58.0%.” (2)

Earlier findings from a large-scale online survey of undergraduates at 21 US colleges and universities, along with 85 in-depth interviews conducted at two universities, Paula England, PhD, at New York University and colleagues noted:

“Regression analyses reveal that specific sexual practices, experience with a particular partner, and commitment all predict women’s orgasm and sexual enjoyment.” (3)

While commitment plays a role, there is still the oytocin factor that may well be the great deceiver. In her book, Meet Your Happy Chemicals, and followed by interviews with her, Loretta Graziano Breuning, PhD, says that oxytocin is a mingling of trust and physical touch, as well as love-making. Professor Emerita of International Management at California State University, East Bay, she explained:

“Trust is the authentic feeling you have in the presence of a person whom your body senses is safe. That is a good feeling that stimulates oxytocin.  When trust is not authentic, your body might give you a message to be careful around a person.”
Oxytocin is stimulated is through love-making, but herein lies a bit of deception. “The whole idea that in both women and men you can have oxytocin released through orgasm creates a lot of trust, but only for a short period of time.“ And in women, there is a “feeling factor” that might be perceived as love.

She added: “You might have sex with someone and this oxytocin release might mistakenly make you feel that this person is perfect for you. But that may be the oxytocin. Just because you have those initial feelings, it does not necessarily mean that the person is trustworthy. You only have that perception at the moment and what happens next is the illusion you create about the person.” (4) *

Despite our casual sex society, in a study of 681 emerging adults, 63% of college-aged men and 83% of college-aged women preferred, at their current stage of life or development, a traditional romantic relationship as opposed to an uncommitted sexual relationship. (5)
Furthermore in a small study of Canadian male and female students, age 21, those who had sex with someone known for 24 or fewer hours, expressed regret, except for some who had an enjoyable experience. (6)

In essence, while there is variety in hook up sex, women may be missing out on the pleasure of intimacy that comes from knowing a person emotionally and intellectually as well as sensually. I like to think that gratitude might be the secret to lasting love and pleasure:Holiday Sex, Romance, and Gratitude Enhance Intimacy

 References:
 1) Vincenzo Puppo, Guilia Puppo [G-spot does not exist: G-spot amplification (i.e. G-spot Augmentation, G-Spotplasty) is a female genital mutilation type IV.] Annales de Chirurgie Plastique Esthétique 09/2014
2) Justin R. Garcia et al., “Variation in Orgasm Occurrence by Sexual Orientation in a Sample of U.S. Singles,”  The Journal of Sexual Medicine, Volume 11, Issue 11, pages 2645–2652, November 2014

 3). EA Armstrong, P England, ACK Fogarty, Accounting for women’s orgasm and sexual enjoyment in college hookups and relationships, American Sociological Review 77 (3), 435-462
 4) Loretta Graziano Breuning, PhD, Meet Your Happy Chemicals,  Dopamine, Endorphin, Oxytocin, 2012, System Integrity Press and at  Loretta Graziano Breuning, Ph.D. in Your Neurochemical Self

(4 *)Oxytocin: The Love and Trust Hormone Can Be Deceptive
 5. Garcia et al: Touch me in the morning: Intimately affiliative gestures in uncommitted and romantic relationships. Paper presented at the Annual Conference of the NorthEastern Evolutionary Psychology Society; NewPaltz,NY. 2010a. Mar
 6. ML Fisher, K Worth, JR Garcia, & T Meredith. (2012). Feelings of regret following uncommitted sexual encounters in Canadian university students. Culture, Health & Sexuality, 14(1), 45-57.

Photo courtesy of Thomas Kaufman for Les Cardes de Belville
Copyright 2015 Rita Watson

Good In Bed: Funny Men Give More Orgasms

Humor is sexy. People with a great sense of humor are attractive as mates and enjoy better mating success. This is true especially for men who use humor to attract mates, as humor is one of the most desired traits by women when choosing a mate. I have written in the past about why a man with a sense of humor is more attractive and what information humor conveys to potential partners. Basically, humor is a sign of intelligence, and women want intelligent partners, as intelligence helped individuals survive in ancestral environments, made men better partners, and in today’s world, helps men get a better job and higher status.
A new study examines whether women whose partners have a great sense of humor also have more orgasms. Previous studies demonstrate how women with partners who have more symmetrical faces, are more attractive, richer, or who are more muscular, experience more orgasms. The purpose of this study is to expand on these findings by examining additional features, one of which is a sense of humor.

The study included 54 female students who were in a relationship with a man. For the purpose of this study, only vaginal orgasms were counted, largely because they are the most relevant to reproduction. Obviously, orgasms as a result of oral sex are not directly related to the birth of a child.
The results showed that the best predictors of the number and intensity of orgasms were how satisfied a woman is with her partner, how much she was attracted to him, his income, and his self-confidence, as rated by his partner. Also, the more orgasms a woman had, the stronger her orgasms were.

Other factors that predicted the woman's sexual pleasure were the age when she had sex for the first time (the younger the woman was, the more orgasms she has now), the number of sexual partners (more partners resulted in greater enjoyment). Partner's intelligence, motivation, determination and his ability to concentrate, were also good indicators of a woman's orgasms, which means that even those who are not blessed with other features still have hope.

Perhaps most interesting for the purposes of this blog, a sense of humor was also a good predictor of sexual pleasure. Women with partners who had a great sense of humor enjoyed more orgasms and stronger ones as well. Women also reported that funny partners were more popular, more intelligent, more creative, and had better leadership skills than men who did not have a great sense of humor. Women also initiated more sex with men who have a great sense of humor, and had more sex with them in general (for good reason apparently). They also felt safer and more committed to their partner.

In conclusion, a partner with a great sense of humor has many advantages for women, including a better sex life and more sexual enjoyment. It is important to note that the relationships found in this study, while only correlational, are consistent with what we know about the allure of humor. The study reinforces the importance of humor in relationships, and it will be interesting to examine whether this relationship is also true for men who have sex with funny women (my prediction would be that it would not exist or would be much weaker).

Who’s Most Likely to Have an Orgasm? Men and Lesbians

It goes without saying that the average straight man is more likely to have an orgasm during partnered sex than the average straight woman, as a recent study by Frederick and colleagues documented. But, why? Does the sex difference also hold for gay men versus lesbians and bisexual men versus bisexual women? If so, is it about differences between biological men and women, about sexual orientation differences, or, as always, something else?

In a large sample of US adults, 95 percent of straight men reported that they usually/always orgasmed when sexually intimate with another. By contrast, only 65 percent of their likely sex partners (straight women) reported they usually/always orgasmed. Gay men were similar to straight men (89 percent), which was nearly identical to the reports of lesbian women (86 percent). Clearly, the sex difference did not hold for these sexual minorities.

Bisexuals complicate matters. Whereas bisexual men (88 percent) were similar to straight and gay men, bisexual women (66 percent) were similar to straight women but not to lesbian women. In this regard it is critical to recall that the majority of bisexual women’s sex partners are straight men.
Frederick examined which women orgasmed, and which didn’t—because few men didn’t orgasm, this was much less an issue for them. Women who reported usually/always orgasming were more likely to:

1.    receive oral sex from their partner
2.    have longer sex sessions
3.    be more satisfied with the relationship they had with their partner
4.    ask their partner for what they wanted during sex
5.    praise their partner for his/her performance
6.    tease their partner about doing something sexual

7.    wear sexy lingerie
8.   try new sexual positions, including anal stimulation
9.   act out sexual fantasies, including incorporating sexy talk
10.  express love during sex
If the sexual experience included vaginal intercourse—with orgasm for the woman—then what helped her was deep kissing, manual genital stimulation, and/or oral sex.

It is noteworthy that these rates of reported orgasms were mirrored when individuals were asked about the frequency of their partners’ orgasms. One exception was that straight men somewhat over-estimated the rate at which their partner achieved orgasm: 73 percent thought she usually/always orgasmed—lower than either straight (65 percent) or bisexual (66 percent) women said that they actually orgasmed. This could be due to the ability of some women to “fake” their orgasms. Gay men and lesbian women were quite aware of whether their partner orgasmed.

The fact that lesbians’ sex partners frequently orgasmed likely reflects the superior ability of lesbians to bring their female partners to orgasm—because they incorporated more of the Top Ten (see above) techniques that enhance the possibilities of women orgasming.
The authors offer various explanations for the sex difference in orgasm frequency. The one that makes the most sense to me is the within-women comparison: “Lesbian women are in a better position to understand how different behaviors feel for their partner (e.g., stimulating the clitoris) and how these sensations build toward orgasm [emphasis added].” Given their greater knowledge than men about female anatomy and what turns women on, they’re less likely to believe that orgasms are elicited primarily by vaginal sex. This explanation is consistent with the research of another team (Shirazi and colleagues) that explored women’s experience of orgasm during intercourse. They found that women reported a higher rate of orgasms during “assisted intercourse” and a lower rate during “unassisted intercourse.” What constitutes assisted intercourse? Concurrent clitoral stimulation.

Based on these results, one recommendation would be for straight men to consult with lesbian women to teach them how to satisfy women. This could also be an economic boon to lesbians and, hopefully, an interpersonal sensation for straight men.

The Orgasm Talk

One talk that couples almost never have is the orgasm talk, which is an honest discussion about orgasms rather than just, “Did you finish?”
The lack of conversation makes good sense. We live in a culture that’s so at war with its sexuality that it’s spent almost as much money on abstinence-based sex education as it does on porn. The love we make is sometimes a frantic attempt to get into each other’s pants while avoiding deeper meanings and possibilities.

As for orgasms, the male orgasm is usually a given during intercourse. Women’s orgasms aren’t as predictable as men’s. Women who are masturbating will usually have orgasms in the same amount of time as men do, but things can be different when you throw a partner into the mix.
Also, men’s orgasms announce themselves with fluid and sticky fanfare. Not so for women’s orgasms. Men are often at the mercy of women to inform them if they did or didn’t have an orgasm.

It’s the elusive nature of women’s orgasms during partner sex that elevates the female orgasm to the realm of the lovemaking holy grail. Adding further to the mystery for men is how women do not always associate satisfaction during sex with having an orgasm. The mere idea of sex being satisfying without an orgasm is a foreign concept for most men.

If the only reason a woman wants sex is for an orgasm, she’d be ahead of the curve if she sent her partner off to play video games with his friends and took matters into her own hands.
Hopefully, you are starting to see how helpful it can be for partners to discuss orgasms and what they do and don’t consider to be a satisfying sexual experience.

Porn gives the idea that men magically know how to please women when, in real life, men need and often want guidance from a partner. This means that a woman’s ability to show her partner how to stimulate her physically is often the key to his being able to provide her with the kind of physical stimulation she needs.

As for being in the right mental space, it is unlikely a woman will magically forget everything that has or hasn’t gone on between her and her partner during the past week just because they are about to have sex. It’s unlikely that feelings of anger, frustration, or disappointment will evaporate the second he pulls out his penis. Helping to create the right mental space is just as much his job as it is hers.

Is a woman’s orgasm the goal of making love, or are other things more important? It could be that a lover’s ability to make a woman feel sexy and desired is more important. Maybe it’s his ability to be playful and to make sex fun. Or what about acting out fantasy scenarios or being a little kinky if that’s what turns her on? Perhaps a woman wants her partner to be more “take charge” in bed.

Some of these qualities might rate higher than having an orgasm. And when these qualities are in place, the chances are greater that a woman will have an orgasm or will at least feel sexually satisfied.