10 Lessons About the Female Orgasm

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Perhaps you took a course on human sexuality in college. If you did, you likely remember one thing: the lecture on the female orgasm. Women want to have them, men want to deliver them.

But all too often, the fairer sex’s big-O falls among the ranks of the Abominable Snowman—great, even magical, in theory, but not something that’s often stumbled across.

If women are flummoxed by their orgasms, you’re thinking, what hope do you have?

Lots, it turns out. Sure, the female orgasm is fickle. But if you follow our 10 lessons about the female orgasm, you’ll have the knowledge you need to start studying—and finally seeing—it in the wild. (For step-by-step instructions, check out How to Pleasure a Woman from Men’s Health.)

So sit down, listen up, and whip out your pencil. Class is in session. 

Take Her Off the Clock

Just as you’re concerned about lasting longer, many women are so self-conscious about taking too long that they end up faking orgasm or deciding to go without.

The solution? Stop obsessing over orgasms—yours and hers. A brain-imaging study by Swedish researchers shows that relaxation is the single most important factor in bringing a woman to orgasm. 

So tell her she has all night. The better you convey not just tolerance for a lengthy buildup, but also appreciation of her sexual pleasure—orgasm or not—the easier it will be for her to unwind and explode. And if you're looking for more ways to heat it up in the bedroom, try this organic arousal balm, which you can find on the Men's Health Store.

Oh, and studies show that it takes 15 to 40 minutes for the average woman to reach orgasm. Going somewhere?

Turn Her On with Your Talent

The best sex starts long before the clothes come off.

Talent—more than rugged good looks or a chiseled midsection—is a powerful aphrodisiac, according to research by my colleagues at The Kinsey Institute. (Less surprisingly, poor hygiene and a messy home are among women's biggest turnoffs.) 

So nail “Ice, Ice Baby” during karaoke. Or make her die laughing at your self-deprecating display of atrocious dartsmanship. Yes, humor is a talent, too.

When She’s Naked, Speak Up

Women who worry about the way they look down there are less likely to orgasm easily during oral sex, according to my research.

And a recent study published in the Journal of Sex Research suggests that women who feel embarrassed or ashamed about their bodies have less sexual experience and are less sexually assertive. 

Clearly, you have everything to gain with flattery. If you love the way she looks naked—and you do, right?—share the news.

Always Be Tender Up Top

During foreplay, gently brush the tops, bottoms, and sides of her breasts; these areas are actually more sensitive than an unaroused areola and nipple. Gradually move in toward her nipples, paying attention to how she responds.

As things heat up, the nipples will become flushed with blood, and the sensory receptors will become primed for direct stimulation. You’ll kickstart the bloodflow and lubrication down below, starting her slow buildup toward orgasm. (And if you've been on the lookout for a partner for far too long, head over to match.com and start connecting with fellow singles.)

Learn Her Key Strokes

One thing many women love during manual stimulation: a slow buildup.

Here’s how to do it: Lie next to her, lightly bracing the heel of one hand just above her clitoris. Now run your ring and middle fingers along the length of her outer lips. Graze the skin at first, adding pressure as the tension builds.

Cup the area around her clitoris with your palm to add indirect stimulation—most women are too sensitive to receive direct contact early on. 

As she becomes aroused, brace your hand on her mons—her pubic mound, the fleshy area that covers her pubic bone—and tease the clitoris with the middles and tips of your fingers as you move your entire hand.

Change Your Angle

Play Ponce de León and explore various types of penetration to figure out what turns her on most.

Your first stop: her G-spot, located about 1 to 2 inches up the front wall of her vagina. This spongy region swells during arousal. Try massaging the area slowly with your fingers. A lot of women find it mind blowing.

Not her thing? Just move on.

Use Moves that Multitask

To maximize her pleasure, increase the amount of contact you’ll have with her most sensitive parts.

Here’s one move that will drive her wild: Ask her to lie on her back, with her legs stretched out. Now climb on top. Curl your arms around her shoulders, supporting yourself with your elbows and moving your chest up by her chin.

The goal is to bring the base of your penis in contact with her clitoris. Thrust slowly, focusing on up-and-down movement instead of in-and-out penetration. 

Another great trick: Move your pubic mound in a circle or up and down against her clitoris. You’ll get a break from high-intensity stimulation, and she’ll receive focused attention where it often matters most.

Learn to Sense Her Orgasm

Ease into oral sex—don’t just attack. First kiss her inner thighs and her inner and outer lips, then work your way inside using firm, broad strokes with your tongue.

Watch her hips for a clue to the rhythm she likes. Listen to her gasps and moans as you experiment with different techniques. 

And watch for signs she’s close to orgasm, such as a subtle deepening in the color of her labia caused by increased bloodflow. Or rest a hand on her stomach and feel for the muscular contractions that immediately precede her orgasm.

Follow Her Lead

Once you reach your point of no return, you’ll climax even if you’re interrupted by a tuba-playing, thong-clad Bea Arthur.

But your lady could hit the “off” switch if you stop or change moves midway to orgasm. We love it when you try new things, and it’s important to vary your technique, but once you’ve found a winner, stick with it until she crosses the finish line.

Let Her Finish First

Stalking the elusive tandem orgasm is an admirable goal, but many women—especially those with sensitive clitorises—respond better to a “ladies-first” strategy.

If you rub the clitoris for a long time—during thrusting, for example—it can become too sore or desensitized to respond to manual or oral stimulation later. So satisfy her before intercourse. 

Your Complete Guide to Her G-Spot

No wonder you’ve had such a hard time finding the G-spot: The latest research from the Journal of Sexual Medicine questions whether or not it truly exists.

In order to track down its whereabouts, researchers gathered any G-spot-related studies published in PubMed between 1950 and 2011 (91 in total). And although many of the studies suggested that women believed it existed, their final conclusion was there was not enough concrete evidence to prove an exact location of the G-Spot.

The catch: “Just because scientific research is lacking on an exact location, doesn’t mean that future research won’t be able to establish where it is,” says Debby Herbenick, Ph.D., sex researcher at Indiana University and author of Great in Bed. “At the end of the day, there is no doubt in scientific research that there is this area on the front wall of the vagina, that when it is stimulated, is pleasurable and even leads to orgasm for some women.”

It’s difficult to scientifically measure things within the genitals because everything is so compact. So when you stimulate and move one part, it stimulates and moves other parts—thus things are always changing, says Herbenick.

Where exactly do you begin your noble quest? Check out Herbenick’s tips for guiding you towards the goods.

Start Here. Regardless of the exact location, wherever this G-spot is, it resides somewhere either on the front vaginal wall (the side where her belly button is) or through the front vaginal wall—so that’s where you want to begin, says Herbenick. Explore about 2 inches inside the vagina.

Apply Pressure. Whether you’re inside of her or your fingers are, applying direct pressure to her lower abdomen and mons (the triangular area that may or may not have pubic hair left on it) can really intensify the stimulation, says Herbenick. If she’s laying on her back, press firmly down on that area with your hand, or press your body up against hers, in order to create that sandwich-like pressure. Or if she’s on her stomach, that also works well because there will already be that pressure on the front side of her vaginal wall, says Herbenick.

Let Her Mount You. Woman on top is one of the easier positions to try when searching for the G-spot because she has a lot of room to move around, says Herbenick. Try tilting her forward or back. By doing this, you can help her maneuver around in search of her sweet spot. “Plus, since all men’s penises point and bend in different directions, this will allow more flexibility for your parts to fit together,” says Herbenick. (Use our Sex Position Master to find dozens of sex positions to try.)

Use Your Muscles. Another trick can be to squeeze your pelvic floor muscles (also referred to as “making your penis dance”), says Herbenick. When squeezing those muscles, the penis literally moves and can become firmer—perking it up toward the front side of the vaginal wall. Trying this technique may position your penis closer to her areas that need stimulation, says Herbenick.

Give Her the Best Orgasm Ever

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Broaden your tongue’s target. The skin around her clitoris is highly orgasmic, reveals a new study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine.

The researchers asked women to rate the intensity of their orgasms, as well as the effort required, by location of stimulation.

Related: How to Pleasure a Woman—the Men’s Health Complete Guide to Becoming a Master Lover

Not surprisingly, 94 percent of the females reported hitting their peak through clitoral play.

But it’s not just that little button itself that gets her going: Three-fourths cited the sides of their clitoris as an O-zone, while 64 percent said they can climax through stimulation below the clitoris.

The women also said their most intense orgasms—and those requiring the least amount of work—stemmed from these three hot spots.

So how can you make her whole body vibrate? Start by touching everywhere but her clitoris—the sides, above it, below it, her labia, around her vaginal opening.

“Play with her over her panties,” suggests sex therapist Marianne Brandon, Ph.D., author of Monogamy: The Untold Story.

Once she’s stripped down, form a peace sign, and apply pressure to the sides of her clitoris, alternately positioning the base of the V formed by your fingers above and below her clitoris.

As you progress to more intense stimulation, target the left upper quadrant of her clitoris—a highly sensitive area for most women, Brandon says.

Related: Everything You Wanted to Know about the Female Orgasm

“Know that there is a hood over her clitoris,” she adds. “You could pull that up, and see how she responds to more direct contact.”

Once you take her over the top, don’t evacuate the premises—she may be up for round two (or three).

“It’s typically easier for women to have multiple orgasms if the contact doesn’t discontinue completely,” says Brandon.

“But she’s going to need a little break from the intensity.” She suggests leaving your fingers where they are, but only applying slight pressure (no back-and-forth).

“Slowly start moving again, and see how she responds to that. If she jerks like it’s too much, stay quiet a little longer,” Brandon says. “But if she’s responsive, you can get started again.”

7 Secrets of Female Masturbation

Your recipe for masturbation is pretty simple: A bottle of lube, a browser tab open to Xtube, and a five-finger grip deliver results in no time flat. But female masturbation is a bit more complicated.

They can’t do it wherever they want, they don’t always care about reaching orgasm, and they definitely aren’t flipping through Fifty Shades as much as you’d imagine. So what happens behind closed doors? Read on to discover the secrets of female masturbation. 

She’s quicker without you.

On average, women take longer to orgasm than men do. “For a woman’s nerve endings to be stimulated and for the blood flow to get down into her genitals, it can take up to 15 or 20 minutes of foreplay,” explains Sadie Allison, Ph.D., author of The Mystery of the Undercover Clitoris: Orgasmic Fingertip Touching Every Woman Craves. 

But she might be a lot faster going solo than she is with you in the sack. That could be because she’s more focused on her own pleasure (instead of yours) or because she knows exactly what she wants. “Many women can be there in 2 to 3 minutes on their own, but will take 10 or more—or can’t get there at all—with a partner,” says sex expert Carlyle Jansen, author of Sex Yourself, a book about women’s masturbation.

She doesn’t do it quite as often.

When you wake up with morning wood, there’s a decent chance you’ll give yourself a tug before the day is over. According to research, 25 percent of men masturbate at least 3 times per week, and 55 do it at least once a month. But for women, those stats are considerably lower: Only 10 percent of ladies report pleasuring themselves three times per week, and 38 percent go down below once a month.

How come? She might see self-pleasure as more of a production, not just a quick rub-and-go activity. It could also be because of the stigma associated with female masturbation, which can follow many women into adulthood. “Most boys begin before they’re 10,” says Jansen, while “women start later, often in their 20s.”

She preps differently.

“Men can be in a dirty gas station bathroom and rub one out,” says Allison, but for the fairer sex, environment is everything. Maybe she pulls out a special lubricant, lights a few candles, or draws a bath before starting self-pleasure. “A lot of women need their heads to be there, and if there are any distractions whatsoever, that can throw them off,” she says.

Her touch is softer.

When you masturbate, you’ve got a firm grip, your fingers are clenched, and you stick to a rough, up-and-down motion. Women, on the other hand, tend to be slower, gentler, and more subtle.

“Think about if you had an eyelash in your eye and you were trying to rub it out,” says Allison. “You’d pull your eyelid back and gently use your fingertip to rub around. That’s how soft you should touch a woman’s clitoris. Yes, that soft.”

The clitoris has twice as many nerve endings as the head of the penis, so it’s super-sensitive to even the softest touch. Some women like it rougher—and they’ll tell you if they do—but most need to be eased in gently before they can stand too much contact with their clitoris.

She explores her whole body.

While you pretty much have just one tool at your disposal, she likes to make masturbation a full-body activity. “Women tend to stimulate the whole body more—the neck, breasts, arms, and labia,” explains Jansen. She might massage her nipples or inner thighs first before settling on her genitals. Comparatively, “men are generally okay with the beginning, middle, and end focus on the penis,” Jansen says.

She doesn’t always care about orgasm...

This might be the biggest difference of them all. When you masturbate, you probably have a clear goal in mind: bust a nut or bust. “But for a lot of women, whether you get there or not isn’t the key,” says Allison. Some women are satisfied with their self-pleasure well before orgasm occurs, or regardless of whether there’s a climax. “It’s more about taking time for yourself and giving to yourself in a pleasurable way,” she says.

...But when she does, she's going for seconds.

When you ejaculate, it creates a huge physical release.

(Ready to amp up your own solo sessions? Check out our 5 Tips for Better Masturbation.)

“It takes a lot of energy for the body to actually push all of that fluid from the prostate, through the spiral tubing, then through the testicles, up and out of the penis,” explains Allison. “That’s why when [men] are finally done, it’s over. They’re like, ‘Whew, I need a nap.’”

Women's orgasms are physical, too, but they don’t have the same “refractory period” after climaxing, which makes it more likely for them to go for multiple rounds. So while some women aren’t necessarily vying for orgasm at all, others don’t stop at just one. Lucky ladies.