Why Cheating Doesn't Have to Mean the Death of Your Relationship

A recent study by the US Journal of Marital and Family Therapy showed that 57% of men and 54% of women admit to cheating at least once. We just need to look to the recent Ashley Madison hack—a website that facilitates 'discrete' affairs—and the bevy of celebrity divorces spurred by another incident with a nanny (hiring a hot nanny—never a good idea!) to know this to be true.

You scan the headlines and think one of two things: "If this ever happened to me, I'd leave my partner faster than you can say 'child support'", or, "Thank God that would never happen in my relationship." Until one day, out of nowhere, it does. You read a mysterious text, stumble on a suspicious Facebook conversation, or worse yet, walk into a horrible naked situation where you're the only one with clothes on.

No matter how it happens, finding out your partner has cheated on you is a devastating, earth-shattering, life-changing event. Your emotional state is like a blizzard: seemingly calm one moment, then wanting to throw the contents of the closet over the balcony and burn them in the yard the next. You battle anger, betrayal, sadness and deep, excruciating pain. And then more anger. The bottom has dropped out of your life as you know it. And you have a decision to make:

Should I stay, or should I go? Despite the broken trust, and even though you swore you'd never stay with a cheater, you realize you still love your partner, who admits to the atrocities, promises to end it immediately and wants to work it out. And so do you.

So what happens next? How do you start to forgive and move down the long road of rebuilding trust? Is it possible to ever go back to how things were? The truth is, it isn't. If you make the decision to stay with your partner, you can never get back to the pre-affair innocence. But the good news is that it IS possible to recover and come back stronger than ever.

First, talk it out. You're going to have a lot of questions. Write them down if you have to. You're allowed to ask about any detail you want to know, and your partner should be willing to answer every one. This may seem counterintuitive—how are you ever going to get the painfully specific image of him and his mistress on a beach in St. Tropez out of your mind? But honesty heals. In one study of 1,083 betrayed husbands and wives, those whose partners were the most honest felt better emotionally and reconciled more completely. But before asking your questions, ask yourself: do you really want to know her dress size? If she's got different colored hair to you? How many orgasms she had? If the answer is yes, ask away. But be wary of using details to cause yourself more pain. It's best to set a limit on the time you spend talking about the affair each time, usually 15 to 30 minutes at most.

Then, work on it. You've raged. You've cried. You've thrown things. Now it's time to heal. With the help of a professional, try to address the core issues that led to cheating. Couples and individual therapy for both parties is recommended. This isn't something you want to think about in the early days after finding out, but when you're ready, go there. It's likely that one or both of you had a breakdown in communication long before the affair. If you've decided to stay, you'll want to know the answer to why. Learning to communicate will help to prevent this from ever happening again.

Remember, recovering from an affair is not a one-size-fits-all process. It takes whatever it takes. After therapy and open communication, you'll start to feel better. You'll have moments you don't even think about the affair. (Perhaps while you're sleeping.) But then you'll wake up and remember and want to run your partner over. The hurt can feel as fresh and deep as ever. This is a normal part of grief! It's a process, not a recipe to get right. Be patient with yourself. You'll probably want revenge. But the most important emotion to work through is resentment. This one's a real killer. If you've chosen to stay, punishing your partner will end up doing more harm to your relationship. The road to forgiveness is a long one, so be gentle with yourself. Go at your own pace. You get to reestablish what is important in your relationship. What your needs are. What the rules are. And you both get to play by them.

Lastly, reframe your mindset. Instead of seeing an affair as the death of the relationship, try to think of it as a rebirth. Hopefully, you'll move through this time having gained a deeper understanding of yourself and your partner. Take this as an opportunity to connect with friends and family. Belonging to a community outside of your relationship will help you feel loved and less isolated. A time when the affair doesn't consume your thoughts may seem far away, but it doesn't have to be. Start dating each other again. Set aside time to do fun things, and then do each other. If you're both willing to do the work, you may be surprised by how much stronger and deeper your relationship can become.

9 Fascinating Sex Fetishes Every Woman Should Be Aware Of

Whatever gets people off in their private sex lives is their own business...but that doesn't mean we can't be a little curious about what goes on behind closed doors. If you're like us, we're kind of over the whole Fifty Shades BDSM phenomenon—well, at least until Fifty Shades Darker hits theaters—so we thought it'd be très interesting to dive into the world of hidden fetishes that never hit the the big screen. Having an orgasm just by touching someone's feet? Saw that on Sex and the City. An 86-pound woman being squashed by big, beautiful women (BBW) on camera for porn? New to us! 

Here, nine fetishes you should know, either because they're good for brunch banter or because you might come face-to-face with them on your next Tinder date.

Knismolagnia

Or to common folk, sexual arousal through tickling. You probably find that armpit or belly tingling sensation to be flirty—but people with this fetish tend to focus their entire sexual play around tickling. They might incorporate toys such as feathers during sex or request a partner bind their hands and feet as they're being tickled. They could simply get off just by watching someone being tickled, too. Please lower your eyebrow—this is real.

Formicophilia

If you hate bugs, do yourself a favor: Close your browser and never EVER Google "formicophilia." For those of you still with us, this is a fetish involving insects crawling on your skin—specific body parts or basically bathing in bugs—because of an adoration for little critters or a love of feeling bug bites or stings. (This is just a personal thing, but I'm now suspicious of anyone who owns an ant farm.)

Climacophilia

You know how Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall then tumbled onto his egg ass? In a similar train of thought, climacophiliacs are aroused by falling down stairs. Dangerous, duh. But extra points for creativity. 

Balloon Fetish

You may never be able to feel comfortable going to a child's birthday party again, but some people find pleasure in the act of blowing up and popping balloons. Others find simply a person being naked around balloons to be erotic. Anything else you could ever want to know about it can be found on this blog.

Coprophilia

You'll want to swallow whatever you're eating before you read this: Coprophiliacs are turned on by the smell, taste, and feeling of feces—either from another person or themselves.

Hybristophilia

This basically redefines falling for the "bad boy." People considered to be hybristophiliacs are aroused by inmates or people in jail—for reasons ranging from armed robbery to murder. Their desires may lead them to reach out to prisoners they've never met before just to establish contact or persuading their current partners to commit crimes. 

Hematolagnia

We're thinking Twilight and True Blood had *something* to do with the rise of this fetish, which caters to people who like playing with actual blood during sex. Activities include smearing blood over a person's naked body and biting skin hard enough to cause bleeding.

Dacryphilia

Cue the waterworks. Probably stemming from deep psychological roots, people filed under this fetish are attracted to sobbing and tears. 😢

Nasolingus

The name kind of gives it away. But as a quick lesson, nasolingus concerns licking or sucking on someone's nose and sometimes consuming the nose's secretions.

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5 Tips for Having an Orgasm When You're Solo

1. Don't limit yourself to masturbating while lying on your back in bed just because that's how women do it in movies. If you had your first O grinding on a couch cushion (as many of you told us you did!), flip over and get down with a down pillow.

2. Be a tease. Bring yourself close to O in your go-to style (clitoral stroking, after a glass of sauv blanc?), stop, and start again. Big suspense = bigger orgasm.

3. Bored of using the same porn/vibe/position every time? Try a masturbation cleanse. Going back to basics (no props or porn) can make for a powerful O.

4. Yay for kegels! The vaginal-clenching exercises can lead to stronger orgasms and serve as training for the mythical hands-free fantasy-only orgasm (the unicorn of O's). Remind yourself to train daily with the Kegel Camp app ($1.99, iTunes store).

5. Kill two O's with one toy. Treat yourself to a dual- action sexcessory like the California Exotics Butterfly Kiss ($10, Amazon.com). A tiny butterfly flutters on your clitoris while a G-spot stimulator massages you there.

The Truth About Having an Orgasm at the Gym

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When a highly respected sex researcher writes a fitness book, you can expect something a little different. Debby Herbenick, Ph.D., an associate professor at Indiana University's School of Public Health, and a research fellow and sexual health educator for the Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender, and Reproduction, spent five years researching sexual behavior related to exercise. What she found: At least 10 percent of all people — no matter the age, gender, or fitness level, experience orgasms while exercising.

While getting off during a good workout is a great end goal for anyone, it's not as simple as a few extra sit-ups. Herbenick's new book, The Coregasm Workout, explains the phenomenon and presents workouts that may help you increase your chances of arousal or orgasm during exercise.

Cosmopolitan.com talked to Herbenick about coregasms, the ways in which they affect women's sexual health, and how they're different from orgasms you experience during sex.

Why did you want to study coregasms?
Over the years as a sex columnist [for Men's Health and Kinsey Confidential, among others], I had gotten questions from women who had orgasms at the gym and wanted to know what happened to them, and whether or not it was normal. Each time I would check the scientific literature, and there had never been a study on it.

We don't really have many good ways of enhancing women's arousal in the first place. There have been different drug companies that have tried to create medications, and so far none have been approved by the FDA. To the extent that exercise, which is safe and healthy and freely available to people, could enhance arousal, that became interesting to me. I wanted to push the research even further.

What is a coregasm?
We know that they are orgasms. We know that for women, they generally feel most similar to orgasms from vaginal intercourse, but they tend to feel more dull, less intense, and more tingly. They seem to last about the same length of time [as an orgasm during sex]. They do seem to be orgasms that occur from exercises that are demanding of the core abdominal muscles.

How can a core workout create an orgasm?
We don't know the specific muscles that are causing this to happen. One day, we'll hopefully learn more about how the muscles work together with the nerves. But until then, what we know is that there are very clear patterns of exercise. This almost never happens on the third or fourth crunch. It happens when you fatigue your muscles doing core exercises. The other thing that makes it more likely to experience arousal and orgasm in some people is to start with at least 20 minutes of cardio and then immediately going into a core workout. Rather than getting off the elliptical and taking five minutes to cool down, getting a drink of water, and doing some stretches, in our studies when people have gone right from the cardio into a challenging core workout, that's when they are more likely to experience arousal and sustain the arousal.

Is it easier to have a coregasm if you are young and physically fit?
We've done two nationally representative studies now of Americans, and we found women who report this from happening as young as childhood and our oldest woman [who] experienced it for the first time when she was 70. Women in every decade of life have had this happen. And the women who participated in our face-to-face interviews were every level of fitness. We had college athletes who experienced coregasms and also women who had been sedentary their whole lives and only for medical reasons started doing very basic exercise programs and were surprised when this was suddenly happening to them. For them, since they weren't used to doing a lot of exercise, even small amounts were physically demanding for them. So it didn't take as much to experience the arousal or orgasm. Whereas some elite athletes were doing three sets of 75 hanging knee raises after an intense 45- to 60-minute workout. Because they had years of being highly engaged in exercise, it took more for them to reach that level [of arousal]. There's not a magic number of reps. There's not a magic exercise. The key is about pushing yourself based on your fitness level.

This is not a workout where we're guaranteeing exercise orgasms for everybody. What we are saying is that we believe, and our research supports, that there are ways you can exercise that enhance your arousal. The overall lesson you learn for yourself about how your body works can translate into better sex.

Does sexual fantasy play a role in coregasms in women?
Most of them aren't thinking any sexual thoughts when this happens. It's just this bodily thing that's happening to them. What we did find is that when women are more focused on the exercises that they're doing and are really in the zone, that's when they are more likely to experience enhanced arousal rather than if they're very distracted. Some of the women in our studies who are highly coregasmic said they are too distracted during group exercises to make it happen because they're looking at the instructor.

What's different between an orgasm that happens during exercise and one that happens during sex?
The exercise ones are very bodily. With sex, in the best situation you also have an emotional connection — there's warmth, intimacy, and meaning. And certainly sexual feelings as well. The exercise ones don't feel very sexual to people. They feel sensual and tingly, but they're not bonding you to a partner.

Many women don't achieve orgasms at all during sex. Can these women experience a coregasm?Women who experience coregasms are very similar to women who don't in the sense that [none of them experience orgasms exactly the same way]. Some of them also have orgasms during sex, some of them also have orgasms during masturbation, and some only have orgasms during exercise. Some of them who only have them during exercise started having them when they were kids and didn't really know what it was. Once they started having sex and they weren't having orgasms during sex, they took what they learned about their body through having orgasms during exercise and applied it to sex. And some started having orgasms during sex. For people who do have orgasms during exercises, it doesn't mean they are magically different than other women. It's just about learning how your body works and what feels good in particular times in your life.

Why do you think this topic hasn't been studied at length in the past?
There are many, many mysteries just about orgasms during sex and masturbation. And it's only in recent years that we're seeing researchers look at orgasms through breast stimulation, orgasms through fantasy, orgasms through foot stimulation, or even in rare circumstances, people who have orgasms from reading very beautiful prose. There's a range of ways our bodies work. People see these types of things as novelties, but I find them to be a fascinating look at how the body works. It challenges our idea of what an orgasm is. When we start learning about sex, we hear about orgasms and how they're supposed to go together. And they don't always go together. And maybe that means that orgasms aren't about sex. They're about tension release and stress relief and pleasure. They're not always the byproduct of genital stimulation.

What do you think is most misunderstood about coregasms?
The thing I see that's recorded incorrectly most of the time about coregasms is that we know how they happen in the body. This is a line of research that I'm pursuing with the help of colleagues who study muscle movement and other aspects of exercise. But I read things all the time where people say that coregasms happen because the G-sport is being stimulated or because [a specific] muscle is working. But in fact there has never been a study showing any of those things to be true. We have no reason to believe that it's just one muscle moving. Because when you work the core, you're working a full range of muscles. And since we know that they happen in men too, it has nothing to do with the G-spot.

Men have coregasms too?
They happen to about the same percentage of women and men.

What's different about the male coregasm?
Not all men want to experience coregasm because for them it can lead to ejaculation. That's a really different experience than for women. What's fascinating about the men is that most of them don't have erections before they ejaculate. And for the most part, the men tend to start early in childhood or adolescence, between ages 7 and 12, and they don't know what it is. And theirs tend to be more from climbing exercises. The best sense we can make of that is that males tend to have stronger cores than females do and as a result there are fewer things that are really difficult for their core. Crunches are unlikely to be that demanding for them, but climbing is.

Are women embarrassed when they have coregasms in public?
I don't think anyone should be embarrassed, and most people won't draw attention to themselves. The magic of being at a gym is that people are making lots of noises and funny faces anyway. And you're sweaty anyway. I'm not saying go to the gym and get off, but if you do, you'll be joining about 10 percent of women who have.

How long do women have to do these exercises before they can experience arousal or orgasm?
We found that two-thirds of women did experience arousal within just 10 exercise sessions. If we can do that, I think there's a lot of potential for women to try these newer ways of working out and see if they provoke anything; see if they inspire their body in some way that says, "This feels good to me, and I want to know more."

I don't want this to be another bar for women to achieve. You see that with so many areas of women's sexuality, whether it's G-spot orgasms, or clitoral orgasms. With coregasms, it's just you. It's exciting to hear that so many of these women feel so enlivened and in control of their own bodies.

9 Things People Think Will “Ruin” Your Sex Life, But Absolutely Won’t

Sex, since time immemorial, has been wrought with rumors, misunderstandings, and myths that have been needed to be debunked. From the idea that masturbation causes hairy palms, to all the things that will ruin your sex life, when it comes to sex-related rumors, it can feel like there's no end. Myths are great when it comes to story hour, but can be harmful when it comes to sexual pleasure. That's why we need to nip things in the bud.

One prime example? Herpes. So many people think that a herpes diagnosis is the end of their sex life, but that myth couldn't be further from the truth.

"Genital herpes will not ruin your sex life," Dr. Sheila Loanzon, a board certified OB-GYN and author of Yes, I Have Herpes, tells Bustle. "This diagnosis has the opportunity to cause isolation and destroy the possibility of future relationships if you let it. While the virus may seem catastrophic to some, in terms of disclosure to future partners, outbreak management, and cultural stigmatization of the virus, there are numerous HSV positive men and women (who are publicly sharing their virus status on social media), who are in fulfilling and loving sexual relationships."

As someone who is HSV positive and single, Dr. Loanzon can attest to the fact that, having genital herpes, despite what some might thing, won't ruin your sex life. She is living proof of it. "As a single woman dating, I have actually found that after disclosure it has not made a difference to my partners what my positive status was," Dr. Loanzon says. "They would like to get to know me as a person."

So before you get yourself in a dither over all the other possible things that could squash your sex life, take note. In addition to herpes, here are eight other things that absolutely will not "ruin" your sex life.

1. HPV

Zackary Drucker/The Gender Spectrum Collection

First of all, when it comes to HPV, it's very important that we point out the fact that, according to the Center for Disease Control, HPV is the most common STI. In the U.S. alone, 79 million people are infected and it's estimated that 80% of sexually active people will contract HPV at some point in their lifetime. That's how common it is.

"When patients are newly diagnosed in the office with HPV, the immediate thought is regarding what this means sexually... and the risk is if the HPV causes changes to your cervix," Dr. Loanzon says.

Those changes can be the possible growth of precancerous cells. Which, also, don't have to ruin your sex life.

"Precancerous cells of the cervix are slow growing and as long as you follow appropriate follow-up intervals, as discussed with your health care provider, abnormalities can be caught early and treated," Dr. Loanzon says. "To prevent the exposure to HPV, use of condoms can decrease transmission of the virus."

But, because condoms aren't 100% foolproof, it's still important to get checked regularly if you're sexually active.

2. Having Multiple Partners

Considering we're living in an era of sex positivity, the fact that how many sexual partners one has had could even remotely be categorized as a thing that ruins sex lives is mind-boggling. I mean, doesn't practice make perfect?

"The only judgment here would be the one placed on yourself on what others may think of you," Dr. Loanzon says. "Multiple partners may be a high risk behavior, but if a person practices safe sex and contraception, it can be enjoyable."

See? Practice makes perfect after all — as long as everyone is safe about it.

3. STIs

Ashley Batz/Bustle

Granted, no one wants an STI, but if you get one, it's absolutely not the end of the world. Nor is the end of your sex life. Especially since antibiotics can get ride of some STIs.

"Luckily modern medicine has assisted with this as well," Dr. Loanzon says. "Bacterial infections such as gonorrhea, chlamydia, and syphilis are treatable with antibiotics and, if caught early enough, do not cause long-term damage. Lifelong infections such as HIV, and hepatitis B and C are well managed with medication as long as appropriate follow up is completed."

While a contracted STI that has no treatment will involve telling future partners about your diagnosis, as Dr. Loanzon has personally experienced, it does't put the kibosh on your sex life.

4. Birth Control

If you're afraid that your birth control might mess with your sex drive, therefore ruining your sex life, hold up, because the jury is still out on that one.

"There is conflicting data regarding the effect of hormonal contraceptives on female sexuality," Dr. Loanzon says. "The study results are mixed with some studies finding a decreased in sex interest in women using some birth control methods but not others. Other data shows an increase in libido and frequency of sexual encounters on hormonal contraceptives."

According to Dr. Loanzon, there's even suggestion that dosage can affect libido as well, but it's ultimately hard to say for sure.

"Given this variable data, decreased libido or mood changes may be based on the relationship and other factors confounded with the use of contraception," Dr. Loanzon says.

In other words, don't stress yourself about this one.

5. Fibroids

Andrew Zaeh for Bustle

A fibroid is a noncancerous growth in the body that, due to size, can make sex uncomfortable or even painful.

"Based on the size of the fibroid, deep penetration may be more uncomfortable," Dr. Loanzon says. "Abnormal, heavy bleeding can occur with fibroids which can cause fatigue from anemia. It is important to speak to your health care provider about what medical or surgical treatments may be beneficial to prevent complications from the fibroid."

Once you talk to your doctor and have a plan of attack for treatment and/or managing the fibroids, you can continue to have an enjoyable sex life.

6. Menopause

From hot flashes, to vaginal dryness, to moods that are off the charts, menopause tends to get a bad rap. And it really shouldn't. It's just another stage in your life — a life that will continue to be sexually active, if that's what you want.

"Average age of menopause is 51 years old with some women experiencing the change in hormones sooner or later than this age," Dr. Loanzon says. "Menopause is associated with vaginal dryness, decreased libido, pain with intercourse, night sweats, hot flashes, and mood changes. It is important to recognize these symptoms and discuss with your health care provider how to mitigate the symptoms and keep [them] at a steady baseline."

To avoid painful sex once menopause hits, using personal lubricant is the easiest way to manage things, as well as estrogen-based vaginal creams that replenish the lack of estrogen in the vaginal tissue that comes with menopause.

"It may take extra effort as arousal and orgasms may seem illusive," Dr. Loanzon says. "However, communication with your partner during this time can be effective and increase intimacy."

7. Urinary Incontinence

Ashley Batz/Bustle

According to the U.S. National Library of Medicine National Institutes of Health, 3% to 17% of women experience urinary incontinence. Although it mostly affects people with vaginas 70 and older, it can still affect people who are much younger, and it can be awkward during sex.

"Sexual dysfunction is reported by up to 47% of women with urinary incontinence and 45% of these women may experience loss or leaking of urine during penetration or orgasm," Dr. Loanzon says. "This distressing situation significantly correlates to interest in intercourse, [but] surgical repair or treatment management may improve these symptoms."

And, should you not opt for treatment, it's important to keep in mind that it's just a little urine, and everyone pees.

8. Having A Baby

There's enough that comes with being a new mom, so we really don't need to add ruined sex life to the list, too, yet rumor has it that this is the case.

"Sexual function can decrease during pregnancy and may be impacted in the postpartum period," Dr. Loanzon. "With a new infant, the strain on couples of an enlarging family, decreased libido and pain with intercourse, anatomic and hormonal changes that have occurred, decreased sex is multifactorial. Generally, within three months postpartum, 80-90% of women have resumed sex."

Myth officially debunked.

While there are things that can possibly ruin one's sex life, trauma for example, these things do not. It's important to get your facts straight before you assume the worst; in many cases there's a remedy and your sex life will keep on truckin'.